The evening started innocently enough. Shar and I left her house on the way to an opening at the VAG (Vancouver Art Gallery). Going to such openings is one of the high points of our relationship. There aren’t too many things that are more fun than going to a place filled with art with Shar and looking at the art and being blown away by it. Oh, and I forgot to mention check out every other person at the event and be extremely catty about each and every one of them.

When we arrive at the VAG we note, to our dismay that there is a huge line up. Being the patient people that we aren’t, we decided to ditch the gallery and do something else. Not sure what we were going to do we sat and discussed. Here is the plan we arrived at….

Get Drunk. In public. Be in constant danger of being arrested and/or humiliated and yet not really have it happen.

1 Convince selves this is a good idea.

2 Fail.

3 Agree to do it anyways.

4 Be exceptionally and inexplicably giddy about the whole idea, constantly, non-stop

5 Agree to not decide right away, it is wrong and maybe even a little silly, but to wander aimlessly for a while before we make a decision.

6 Carefully translate aimlessly to mean a direct b-line to liquor store before it closes.

7 Decide, unbiased by previous steps, that you’re arriving at the liquor store must be fate and means you really have no choice.

8 Purchase at liquor store 1 250ml of rum and 1 micky of tequila. Specifically, don’t buy your favourite brand because it doesn’t fit in your inside pocket, pick the cheap brand you’ve never heard of because it does.

9 Proceed to HOOTERS. The tackiest joint we can think of. Can you top it, honestly? Ogle freely, and only feel slightly bad about it. Split the bottle of rum between two glasses of coke you have ordered. Drink up.

10 Oh, and in case you forgot…hide the rum pouring part. Maybe even buy an appy so you don’t look all weird, a man and a woman going to HOOTERS and just ordering two cokes.

11 Hold Shar’s hand like you are ‘together’ and all romantic, have Shar ask waitress if there are special valentines events at HOOTERS (cause who in the world would take a date to a special romantic day event at HOOTERS?)

NOTE – 8:55 – Shar is officially tipsy and finally silly with an excuse. Mike is still silly but not much excuse yet.

12 Mike be incredibly amazed when even though she swears there is no way she can ask without giggling, she does it. And holding Mike’s hand to boot.

13 Shar run to bathroom immediately after to giggle in privacy when straight-faced waitress says, ‘No, not really, I don’t think so.’

14 Mike, profess love for Shar and hugs her because she is a goddess.

NOTE – 8:58 – Mike officially getting hot flashes.

15 There is no step 15.

16 Say catty things about cute girl who comes in with 4 guys and proceeds to talk them into note eating here because it’s too "expensive"

NOTE – 9:05 - Mike stands up, light-headed. That makes Shar happy. "The world is a happy place and Shar is happy to be here, specifically with Mike," writes Shar in a blinding flash of clear thought.

ASIDE – Mike is overly amused by the fact that he just urinated in a HOOTERS with a ¾ erection. And even more so that the Sports section b-ball article on wall made it go away.

NOTE – 9:12 - Mike almost stumbles, but is still very coherent and polite to the waitress with the smallest breasts in the place (we are unsure whether that is a good thing or if we should pity her, HOOTERS is such an enigmag ). Also, Mike makes pass at Shar. Declined. Note is also taken of the neat writing Mike can still perform.

NOTE – 9:13 - Shar notes, at Mike’s request, he is VERY polite.

NOTE – 9:16 – (Will there never be another step?) Mike stands, realizes he must now work on not stumbling.

17 Upon leaving HOOTERS for any one of a million better locales, note first that the girl is still here with her friends and eating from a plate of nachos.

18 (Please note…Shar couldn’t be bothered to conform to the format of this journal…so her step here might seem a little out of place) Sitting by the Robson Square fountains, sneaking cheap, bad tequila and contemplating the Chapters across the road and going to look at Maplethorpe books. "Fucking Mexican Tar" (this was not good tequila). Think about wish to make at fountain.

NOTE – 9:45 – Shar can’t say the word lovablee. (Or spell it)

17b (Shar) And we made a wish in the fountain with Pennies. And get better when I drink apparently (ok, this doesn’t make sense, if blurred memory is correct, I had said something about how shar is such a delight normally, silly, witty, irreverent and such, but that she is even more fun when drinking)

19 Mike, have incredibly close moment with Shar that you will love and treasure forever. And a hug that will warm his heart to his toes even when everyone else in the world hates him. (awwwwwww)

20 Proceed to Chapters where Shar needs to accomplish that inevitable drinking result, the any-washroom-in-a-storm tinkle.

ASIDE – I have a note here to re-judge the cleverness of step 21 when sober. (Apparently it was thought to be very clever when written. And I don’t care what you think at this point; I still think it quite clever.)

21 Proceed to little castle in children’s area where Shar sits in the magnificent red throne (note Mike is sure she likes best the way it closely hugs her bottom). Take a swig each of Tequila, trying very hard to avoid showing children. Note – what are children doing at Chapters at 10:25 on a Friday night?

22 Flip through Omar on Ice (a skating bear story by Maryam Kovalski) and Cool Melons – Turn to Frogs (a children’s Haiku frog/poem compilation??????) Leave the invitation that started the whole evening in the Frog book.

NOTE - 10:28 - Shar is both tired and gorgeous at this point. Although, upon being told this, she can only return an uneasy smile.

23 Exit Chapters after having another slurp in Art History (I really don’t know hwy that seemed so appropriate at the time, but to our inebriated minds it just fit) (note – this last note was made just 20 minutes later while still inebriated – it appears we were in trouble even while still drunk).

24 Exit chapters and sit on a bench outside because it looks damn comfortabletome (real word written down by me). Shar will ask a complete stranger for a cigarette. She smokes and enjoys it (although there was a tense time there when we though she did not have the matches she thought she did and we had already let the nice, amused at-the-drunk-girl-offering-to-buy-a-cigarette-guy walk on down the road)

25 Spend 25 minutes with Shar getting cold, counting lit globes in a hotel parking lot as I get caught up on journal entries.

ASIDE OF GREAT IMPORT - Ostomy supplies are available at 1144 Burrard (across from St. Pauls) (I still don’t know what Ostomy supplies are)

NOTE – 12:28 (Shar) Home. Brian watching soft porn. I switch to Law and Order. He suggests I eat a breath mint. 2/3 of tequila gone. Been here for half and hour, still cold. What an incredibly good night. Mike rocks my world. And I am drunk.

NOTE – 1:30 – Mike home, happy and safe…. sleep now.

The end.