Challenge: Romance!
Phase IV

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Back to Square One!

   Ok, so have you read the other phases yet? Well you should.  If you haven't read the other ones yet, how will you know how i have got to where i am?  How will you know the mistakes i have made?  Will you be able to tell if i have learned from them or not?  Meh, what's it really matter anyways, this is where all the juicy up to date stuff is going to be.  You are actually showing how cool and trendy you are by being right here.

   To recap, in Phase III i had ended up having a girlfriend. Things were quite nice and wonderful and yet, as sometimes happens it didn't work out and we parted ways.  That was about 7 months ago.  Since that point, there hasn't been too much on the romance scene at all.  Not too surprising when you think about it (see, if you had only gone back and read the other phases then you would know what i am talking about here).  But now i have decided that i am ready to go again, that striving towards romance will once again be a good thing for me. 

   I am not exactly going right back to the start of all things here. I am sort of going to somewhere between the first and second challenges.  Why, you might ask?  Well, cause i'm still a huge-ass wuss and while i made some fairly significant gains in the first two Challenges, i have also back-stepped a little was well.  I don't think i am exactly where i started either.  I think that my confidence and my abilities have grown a little, i don't think i am approaching this from the same place as i did the very first one.  You know what though, i'm still frightened, scared and intimidated.  Ah well, life, it goes on.

The Terms

   At least 4 times a week, for the next 6 weeks i am required to put myself in a position where i have scoped out a situation and could talk to someone.  Small talk, large talk, long talk, short talk, it doesn't matter. What matters is that i am in a position where i know that i if i just made that step i would have a chance.  That the lead in of the talk could become something more, something better.  i.e. if you don't talk to anyone, how can you get to the point where you ask them out for coffee or something like that? 
   I think this is where i say i am incredibly gung ho and top of this challenge. That i will thwart it as if it were butter or some other fatty animal by product.  Yeah, i promise to try.  That's as far as i am going.   Thanks.

Term added Oct 25th. 

   I was noting today as i scored my second point of the challenge that it really wasn't all that hard.  This is a strange thing to be able to say, you know, considering the fact that i have been having a lot of trouble making it happen.  But when you think about it, all i have to do is think about what i am going to say.  Just think.  How hard can that really be?  
   Right now you think i am going to say that i have to actually say the things that i am thinking but that's just not it at all.  Cause that very notion frightens the piss out of me.  No, what i have to do, in addition to thinking up what i would say to them, i have to make eye contact and smile.  Cause this shows that i had at least the real intent.  And who knows, maybe they will just speak to me and i will have stuff to say already. 


Week ONE

DAY ONE - Oct 22, 2001

Take a look at the calendar, we aren't there yet, stop pressuring me! Stop!!!!

Pre-challenge Thoughts.

This weekend was a little weird. Every time i turned around i would find myself thinking about the challenge.  Not in the way that i was looking forward to the possibilities and the great things that could happen. Rather, it was more of a dread and terror type of thing. I had no idea what i would do.  I would keep trying to give myself  head start, to think up some openings, some lines, if you will, that i would be able to use if i ended up speechless.  And i couldn't, all i could do is face my growing feelings of dread.  I didn't have any ideas.  Nothing, nothing at all.

It's so weird. This morning as i was on the seabus on the way to work i was thinking about how ludicrous this is.  It can be so easy for me to make new friends. I can be so charming when i want to be.  Open, friendly, happy....but....the limit, the limit is, well, women.  Not all women, not even remotely all women. Just women that i might be interested in, no, no, it's worse even than that, it's women that i might think might think i am interested in them.   Did you get that?  Work through it, it's there.  I don't have to be interested in them, if it might seem that i might be interested in them, no matter what i do, then all bets are off. I'm a clam.  Ok, not true, i am just, well, hiding. 
But, put me in front of a woman that i know is not going to think that, and there you are, charming, once again.  How fucked up is this?  Well, quite, you know?  Heh, i have had some incredible relationships with people who are quite attached.  No, not romantic, just friendships.
As i was standing on the seabus i was trying to figure out why it had to be like this? Logically i could just see that all i had to do was not be like that.  Or maybe i could just believe that there was no interested or even hint of it?  Then i realized i had done this in the past too, yah, that almost always ended up in lifelong friendships before i had even realized that i needed to break out into the mould of having interest.
Standing there, i realized though, that it was likely a lost cause.  I just can't lie to myself on those levels.

DAY ONE - Oct 22, 2001 - the real one.

Today was a total bust. I thought about it, i thought about it a lot, but i was never...well, i was never in a position to get to where i was thinking the right things.  In my own defense i didn't end up being in a position where i could really have made a go of it, i don't think.  But that doesn't matter so much, i need to get my mind into the state where it is thinking those thoughts all the time, so that when i do end up in a place, a time, with someone who i can chat up, then.....well....ha...who the hell knows what then.  My challenge is only to talk to them.

You all know what i am going to say now.  Tomorrow, is another day.

DAY TWO - Oct 23, 2001

Today was a day loaded with possibilities. Top to bottom, in and out.  Without keeping you in suspense i will tell you right now, however that i was not successful.  But it was a fun ride while it lasted. 

I walked out the door this morning filled with a new resolve. Well, ok, to be honest my new resolve was much more along the lines of not leaving the house so late anymore, but after i was on the bus and had accepted that no matter what i did i was going to be late, i hit a newer resolve.  I was looking at people and trying to think about what it was that i needed to do. Of course, the trip to work was quite uneventful but that played little to no bearing on my resolve.  I kept it, it was still there, a part of me.

   As my day continues a little bit of a....hmmm....as it turns out this is a little complex.  I shall try to explain.  Today i decided what my costume is going to be for Halloween.  I am not going to tell you what it is but suffice it to say that it requires the application of make up.  As i was talking about this with Shar we reminisced a little back to a couple of years ago when at a charity outing i had a make over by this person who worked at the Body Shop.  It had been a rather amusing event, ending up with my wearing some rather brilliant cobalt blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick (no, you may not see the pictures).  The person who did the make up was rather pretty and better yet, she laughed at all my jokes. 
   Somehow this was remembered and shar made the suggestion that we get her to do my make-up.  After some bluffing and some posturing it was determined that if i went to the store and determined that she was indeed there that shar would make the trek all the way to where i work to arrange for her to do my make up on saturday.  At first this was a great thing because i wasn't going to have to say anything to her at all, and i would get to talk to her while she was doing my make up.  You know, a pretty girl laughing at more of my jokes couldn't be bad.  However, the slight stipulation that i ensure that she would be working there long enough for shar to get there was made.  I was going to have go there, and i was going to have to talk to her.

   This was about 10 o'clock in the morning.  If i was going to go it was going to have to be at lunch.  The discussion continued but now, even though it was still filled with bluff and bluster, for me there was an undertone of terror.  Not only did i have to go to a place specifically for a girl but i also had to speak to her?  Basically i was going to be required to ask her what time she got off work?  The fear and trepidation began to build.  The most common thought in my mind during those two hours was, 'you don't have to go you know, it's not like you believe that shar is going to come all the way out here to do this anyways.'  And then at ten to twelve i sent one more email to shar, the contents, "i am petrified.  pet. ri. fied."  And then i went.  Along the way i kept mentioning to myself that she likely wasn't there, even if she still worked at the same place two years later, that she wouldn't be working today, that i would be ok.  
   Having a legitimate errand at the store a couple of doors down from the Body Shop, i stopped in. I talked, or rather flirted with the woman who works there for a while.  It was safe, this was safe, i had been flirting with her for quite a while.  It was easy to stay there, rather longer than i would have wanted to, flirting, talking, chatting, easily, normally.  Eventually though, i had to move on. 
   I took a big breath and moved on down the hall, on my way to Body Shop.  My heart was starting to move quickly.  My thoughts were a jumble, i hadn't had any idea how i was going to find out if she was working there late.  In my wisdom i had decided that it would be ok, i would go in there and poke around and if she was there, i would let the conversation take me where it would.  And then, having reached that momentous decision, thinking i should be calm, my next thought was, 'i could just lie, i could just tell shar she wasn't there. i don't really have to go in.'  I'm a basket case.  Well, given that it was only 35 feet to the store, this brought me to the door. She wasn't there. The relief was tangible. And yet, a little, teeny, tiny, bit of regret. Very small, you understand?

  Again on my way home, i am resolved. I am going to put some thought into this.  As i sit upon the seabus i look around, scope out the crowd.  Across the isle from me and down a little i see someone that i think i would like to talk to.  It would have been creepy and weird for me to get up and go over there so that wasn't an option (thankfully) but i could give some thought to what i could say.  Only, i couldn't think of anything to say.  My mind, a complete blank.  After dithering a little about it, i gave up and read my book (hold on, note to self, stop reading book on seabus, you know, just in case.  or at least always be reading something really interesting).  This would be the end of my story, you know, if it was.  As i got off the seabus i didn't see her and didn't think i would see her again.  However, after getting on the skytrain and going out one of the 300 or so possible exits i stop at an set of lights and guess how walks up beside me.
   You guessed it. There she was.  Same person. This time, right beside me, within striking rage of my voice, as it were.  So once again i tried to think of something to say.  Nope.   The light changed and we took off.  She pulled ahead a little, walking faster than i, and i followed, trying to think.  She had the cutest set of piercings in her ears, very nicely done.  Arghhh.  4 sets of lights, she would move ahead, i would catch up at the red and stand beside her.  Still not having figured out what it was that i should say, i would remain silent.  At the last light that i was beside her, she pulled away, and this time there were no more lights.  All of a sudden it occurred to me to just walk faster, and then we hit a hill.  Well, then it was time for the regime to rear its ugly head and laugh heinously at me.  For the stairs twice this week and today's legs work out had left me walking up the hill, well, let's just say slower than she was and relatively incapable of catching up.  Midway up the hill she finally turned off of my path so i was glad that i hadn't pushed the pain/consciousness envelope.
   Failure number 2.

But wait, my day wasn't over.  Not too long after this i was walking through a park, a dog park, in fact.  In front of me was a woman.  This was pretty much all i could tell, she was a woman.  All of a sudden she bent over.  I was a little to the side so i was ok, but luckily i looked down. A tiny dog, cute as all get out, was directly in front of me.  Refusing the woman's attention it had, of course, come to me.  As i was stepping up and over the dog, so that i wouldn't, you know, flatten it, i realized that there was a perfect opportunity here. Something to talk about.  And the woman, she was turning her head, she made eye contact, she was smiling, i was walking by.  In retrospect i guess the train of thought pretty much happened at the same time as the turn and smile.  As it turned out, she was a little bit older and thus not the perfect catch anyways.  But that didn't matter, this could have been my first point.  It would have been so easy to just say, 'aww, now that's a cute dog.'  That would have started everything.  Ah well, life goes on as did i.

   You know what though, my three failures today, they didn't depress or discourage me, they revitalized my energy, reminded what a thrill the challenge can be.  You just have to stay receptive and perceptive.   I finished my walk to my friends house in high spirits.  A day of failures, i am sure, only the predecessor to many days of successes.

DAY THREE - Oct 24, 2001

   Perhaps you should scroll back up a little, the terms of engagement changed slightly today.  

  The first and most important piece of news today, is that after a discussion with the fair and honourable judge (who is really quite beautiful) i have been awarded a point for the dog walking thing from yesterday.  Cause i did think about saying something.  And hell, not even knowing about the new terms. 

   Today was pretty much a wash.  Nothing really happened.  The trip into work was boring.  No excitement at all.  The only time i came close...was thwarted. On my way home from work i was entering the seabus and i saw, right beside where i was going to sit down an nice, attractive enough, interesting looking young woman.  so i sat down beside her, one seat away.  As i sat down, she looked over at me and sort of, um, kinda looked interested in some way.  I was thinking, ok i have to come up with something i could say.  Her looking at me had made this seem a lot easier to me, i think i could do it.  And then i looked up, sitting a row over was a friend.  She was looking at me in a way that indicated that if i wasn't sitting beside her i would either be in trouble or hurt her feelings.  So i got up (and i will admit willingly) and left the potential and went and sat with the girl that i already knew. 


DAY FOUR - Oct 25, 2001

   Today i scored a point.  This would be point number two for those of you who were counting. This morning as i arrived at the seabus, in a rather normal mood, i saw a woman standing at the doors that i normally wait at. She was moderately attractive and interesting looking.  I walked up and stood beside her, i made eye contact and i think i even smiled.  As i was walking up i came up with the thought that i could say that she had a very nice skirt and that i liked the way that it went with her boots.  (and i did, it was a nice earth tones ankle length skirt with some brown leather boots).  (shut up shar).  After that i had lined up a couple of comments i could use about the big fire that had happened downtown last night. Although i was also ready willing and able to follow any lead she gave me.  I was on top of things. i was all there. i was committed. It was at this point that i realized how easy my challenge could be.  
   Sure i had been drawing blanks for days (well, i guess only 3 of them) but, really not all that hard. So that's where the rule came up with. 
   So i didn't have to talk to her, (Hey, read the terms, i don't have to).  And i don't know if i would have for sure or not if it wasn't for the fact that i didn't have to.  But as we got on the seabus she sat down  and a little over from me.  I was kind of drifting off and on, in and out, lost in thought.  At one point i decided to jot down some notes about what i was going to write in this update. As i was writing i happened to glance up and i noticed that she was staring at me.  I sort of smiled and went back to my writing.  A few moments later, she was staring at me again, or still.  I don't know if that should represent interest or stalkerness.
  What do i care.

Maybe, if i see her again, i will talk to her.

Tomorrow is yet another day.

DAY FIVE - Oct 26, 2001   

i don't really remember what happened on friday all that well  Ok, that's true, i remember the point that i got, but i don't really remember any other points in the day when i was either attempting to gain a point or running from the opportunity. 
   So on my way home from work, i was standing at the seabus and standing in front of me in line was a woman.  She was sort of looking around at things and spent a long time looking at the necklace i was wearing.  This was my in, this is what i could talk to her about.  All i would have to do is open my mouth and ask her, 'do you like it.'  If she answers this i could quickly follow it up with, 'i made it myself, it is one of my favourites.'   
   And who knows i might have said these things if it weren't for two things.  One, i don't have to, i don't have to cross that line, cause, well you all read the terms. The second is that she wasn't, well, normall. i'm  not sure precisely what was wrong with her but her staring at me like that was starting to wig me out.  

But, i got a point. and that is what matters. 

DAY SIX - Oct 27, 2001

i am going to have to put this one to the judge to see if it counts.  I didn't fit the terms.  But i think that it likely goes past the rules that i had to comply to.  If you will remember, if i actually talk to the women then i get double the points.  
   Saturday night a friend of mine had a party for Halloween. I went in the perfect costume for picking up.  Picking up what, i am not sure, but something. You see, i went as a bearded lady, complete with ooogly dress and a wig. How could i fail dressed like that.  Ok, ok, i actually saw anthrax running from me but that's not what we are here to talk about now. 
   There weren't all that many women that i didn't know already at this party.  So that means that there opportunities to chat up strange women were, you know even harder.  During the evening i talked, and yes, even did some light flirting with one of them. She was cute, fun and friendly, you know i think that i would even think about talking to her some more.  Hell, i'd even think about going out on a date with her.  You know, if i didn't have to ask her for it to happen. 
   The other girl was even better.  Ok, no, we didn't do anything.  But throughout the evening i talked to her quite a bit, mostly repartee and snide comments about life and etc.  At the end of the evening, it was only the host, myself and her sitting around talking and helping clean up. Lots of anecdotal stories were exchanged.  And then, i walked her home and we talked the entire way, and yes, i was charming.  The walk, i might add, was 45 minutes.  
   Now, that's a lot of talking. I managed it. I had no problems. if i could do that more often, that easily there would be no problems at all.   right away you might be saying, what about walk-home girl?  Well, sadly, i'm not very attracted to her.  Perhaps if hockey was just a little bit less of her life and identity. 

But regardless i am sure this is worth the one point that i need to make this week 4 points.  Which is what i need. You know, to make my week worth it. To make me fit the points, the terms, the challenge.  And this is a good thing because.....

DAY SEVEN - Oct 28, 2001

   ...today i made no progress.  I was out a lot today.  but i wasn't thinking about the challenge. i was thinking about my scarlet toes and fingers.  if i really wanted to pick up, i guess i should have thought less of that, and really, had less of it as well.  Cause, i don't think that chatting up nice young men will be getting me many points. 

End Week One

So to recap, i got a probable 4 points this week, making the week a success. 

Week TWO

DAY EIGHT - Oct 29, 2001

   i think that i was coasting from my probable success of last week. i appear to have done nothing today.
well, it's not true,i thought about it some.  But no attempts,not really.  tomorrow is another day. have to focus once again. 

DAY NINE - Oct 30, 2001   
 

Two women on seabus today.

first is the girl with the nicely shaped hair. nothing going on there. would think about talking about nicely shaped hair Today as i arrived at the seabus i was sort of looking around for Challenge fodder. You know, being a good and dedicated lovicus prospecitcus (i love Latin a la road runner). I noticed standing at the next set of doors to myself a young woman that i have been rather intrigued by the few times i have seen her in the past week. The thing about her that has intrigued me for the most part has been the back of her head. She has the coolest hair cut. I'd describe it here for you but i am not sure i am capable of doing it justice. As i was looking at her, i was thinking, you know i could go over there and say something to her about her hair. And hell, since i don't actually know the actual technical way of describing her hair correctly i might not even seem gay when i discuss it with her. And then, as i was contemplating the things i could say to her i realized that there was a problem here. i was scared to death. While i could think about what i need to say to person just standing near me, this was someone i was actually interested in. i would have to go and talk to them cold, with no prior contact. i shuddered. I quaked. i quickly turned away because just thinking about it was too much for me. can we just say little steps?

second is the 40 year old. maybe a bit less. was standing beside her...she was attractive, or at least i was attracted to her. in her ear, closest to me were 3 earrings. two in the lobe and one higher up on the side. Two of them matched, a very nice, quite small pearl set in silver. Without even thinking about it i was thinking about asking her to turn her head so that i could see the other side. I wanted to know if she had a third and perhaps even a fourth earring matching the ones i was looking at. As i was thinking about asking this i realized that this pretty much fit all the requirements of the challenge. Perhaps i already have as a part of my psyche the ingrained notion that i can talk to people even without having to do the challenge. Of course you might assume, with it being this easy and all, that i might be able to just talk....yeah, you keep believing that. i'll let you know if it ever comes true.

As a recap, point for second, no point for the first. That's a point this week and i it is only tuesday. Things are looking up.  Still don't know if i scored 4 points last week or not.  Waiting a call from the judge.

DAY TEN - Oct 31, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    4?/4            *This Week

All Hallow's Eve.  You know, i should have been thinking during this day about the challenge. i really should have been. but instead, i spent that time thinking about my costume and letting my mind be consumed by the notions that that night i was going to go out in public dressed up as a woman.  i was going to a public concert, with the ugliest dress on you could ever have seen.  So, i thought about this instead of the challenge.  Pretty much all day i thought about this. 

   In spite of this fact something rather cool happened on the bus on the way home.  Something that showed me that if i am in the right frame of mind, i can play this game, make this challenge with my mind on autopilot. 
   I got on the bus on my way home from work and stat down.   As i sat down i watched a person coming towards me on the bus.  She was wearing an odd, white hat of some sort.  Obviously part of a costume. And a blue shirt.  And white pants.  It took me a few seconds and i figured it out. she was a smurf.  It was a really bright costume.  As i figured out what she was dressed up as, i smiled.  As i smiled her eyes had reached mine and she, seeing my smile, laughed openly.  
    Boom, if that wasn't an opening i don't know what was.  Within seconds i had 3 or 4 different things i could say to her, all based upon her costume, of course.  Somehow, though, i didn't say them. I wanted to, but i was having trouble making my mouth open and have the words come out.  As each second passed the moment was even farther in the past and speaking up would have been that much more awkward.  Somehow, i found that i had let enough time go by that i couldn't just talk.  All of a sudden it was just like any of the other challenge sessions and i couldn't speak.  Ah well, i'd scored my point, i could be happy. 
   A stop or two later, a woman came in and sat near my smurf.  She started chatting with ease and they talked about many things for the rest of the trip.  For a brief instant i was a little jealous.  That could have been me having that chat.  Of course, as i overheard things in the chat, i found out that she had a 3 year old son and i was reassured that i hadn't lost the chance for my next big romance.  Kids. ick. 

DAY ELEVEN - Nov 1, 2001                                                    *Challenge Totals    4?/4            *This Week   2/4

So, it amazes me how easy it is for me to not thing about the challenge if i don't make myself.  It also amazes me how easy it is to leave it completely alone after a little success. Today i didn't think about the challenge at all.  Not at all.  Ah well.  It was still a good day. 

DAY TWELVE - Nov 2, 2001                                                    *Challenge Totals    4?/4            *This Week   2/4

Today didn't start out nearly as well as it finished.  But it was, without a doubt, the most interesting challenge day to date. To start with i got on the bus in the morning with a renewed vigour and purpose.  For some reason i thought it was friday and i had only one point (i had forgotten smurf girl).  I had to get a move on if i was going to make it this week. 
   So i get on the bus and sit down.  Sitting across the isle for me is a moderately cute girl.  She is wearing a toque and holding a University of Waterloo back pack.  I was thinking of some things to say and came up with a few.  All of them really quite lame but i was playing the game and doing my work after all.  But then i hit a problem.  She wouldn't look my way.  No matter what happened she would not move her eyes past 6 o'clock, dead in front of her.  I lost track of what it was that i was going to ask her as my desperation to get eye contact and smile grew. 
   Remember how in challenge I i found that i had a power to make people look at me if i willed them too.  Ok, ok, it wasn't a real power, it was more of a fun one.  But still....i was working it here, practically to death.  
   I was approaching a feeling of desolation.  I couldn't remember the last point that i had made (i didn't remember the smurf on until much later).  I gave up on the waterloo girl, basically at the same time that she was getting up to get off the bus (please note, she still didn't even so much as glance in my direction as she got up to get off.  
   
   I was in the midst of this desolation, thinking that in order to get the points i needed for the week that i was going to have to go out to coffee shops on the weekend, just in order to score some points when i sort of glanced behind me. A woman was going to get off at the same point as i was.  She met my eyes and i even smiled.  
   Immersed as i was in this thought i didn't really think about her.  Until she stood beside me and i looked at her hand on the bar beside me.  She was wearing this really cool ring that was silver with a blue sapphire or crystal or something like it.  I really liked it and was thinking about saying so when i realized that this, in fact, was what the challenge was all about.  Realizing when you have something to say and saying it, because that's all it takes to start to get to know someone.  I didn't say anything, of course, but i had scored a point. 

   I noticed something today.  After i score my point, after i make it, i am a little drained. I am a little incapable of just figuring out another.  Somehow, i have this weird little thought that there is some sort of faithfulness issue with a connection i make with the person that i am connecting with.  I can't really explain it all that well, but suffice it to say that not only could i not really think about it for the rest of the trip to work but i was sort of in the same frame of mind when i was on my way home as well. 

  And then something rather surreal happened.  A few weeks ago, in the period of a few days a young woman had ended up sitting near me.  We had exchanged a number of curious glances that i hadn't really paid too much attention to.  It had taken me a few days but i decided that she was really quite cute.  I thought about ways that i could talk to her and never came up with anything good.  Not that i know anything at all about signals, but i thought that she might not mind overly much if i did talk to her. 
   Well today i get on the seabus and sit down.  Who should sit down beside me but this same girl.  It had been a little while since i had seen her.  I was still in the semi-drained state, so after i saw that she was taking out her needlepoint and getting to work, i moved onto my favourite seabus pastime. I went to sleep.
   About 10 minutes later, i wake up.  We are approaching the doc.  She is just getting ready to pack up her needlepoint and i think to myself a few things i could say that would discuss what she was making.  Things that wouldn't seem out of place, that would seem super natural.  I still hadn't made the connection that this would be worth a point. It would have been so easy to say something here, just open my mouth and say, 'so what's that going to be when you're done?'  I didn't though. i could feel how easy it would be and still didn't. 
   Shortly after this she stood up to put her jacket on.  As she did this she coughed and said something along the lines of, 'i hate having a cough that just won't go away.'  i don't know who she was speaking to, or just speaking aloud.  But i took a chance, i said, 'yeah, you have to hate those, but i am sure it will go away eventually.'   She responded, i responded.  We chatted, hell we had a conversation.  About work, about killing people for their insurance money, about where she lived, about, well lots of things.  We talked for the last 3 minutes of the seabus ride and then we walked and talked together from there to where or paths split at the trains.  
   So i don't know her name, i don't know for sure that i will ever see her again, but listen to this, i fucking talked to her.  I had a conversation.  With someone that i had prior interest in.  Sure she spoke first, but not necessarily to me.  I picked up the signal, i replied.  fuck. i have been high all weekend over this.  The judge has spoken, if she did slur a little at the time, this is worth 2 points.  Ok,  i want to see her again. Now. Well, maybe not right this second, it's 4 a.m. here but still...too bad she goes to work about an hour and a half after i do. 

Excitement.

DAY THIRTEEN - Nov 3, 2001                                                *Challenge Totals    4?/4            *This Week   5/4

So today's not over yet and there might end up being some sort of update but i thought i would jot this down while i was thinking about it.  Today i went out to buy a bit of a birthday present for a friend.  I was in a little toy store buying a mechanical chicken.  You know, the type of present any friend would love.  As i was at the counter, i noticed the salespersons rather incredible finger nails.  Now, the first thing that popped into my head was about 15 things i could say about about the nails.  Each and every one of them something that would be a conduit to something more that could be said. 

And the thing is, i could have said each and every one of them without too much difficulty at all.  In fact, i was half way to saying them when i decided that she was too young to be flirting with and it would be a little icky.  But you see the thing is, i have never had trouble talking to sales people.  Never had any trouble being flirty.  And i wonder, at this point, how much benefit there is in practicing that skill.  Or rather i am not sure. 

I mean it is fairly easy for me.  Am i learning anything by doing it?  I think that the entire reason is that there isn't any stress, or possibility even, in something happen.  Ok, ok, i accept that it isn't completely unreasonable that i could chat with a salesperson and make a date for coffee or something.  but the thing is there is absolutely no pressure to do that.  and, in addition to that, i don't have to assume that their being friendly means that they are interested in me.  Cause they are paid to be friendly.  

In fact, i think this is the entire point.  This is why i can talk to them.  It seems to have something to do with the interest that they may or may not show back to me. If i talk to just a regular someone that i am interested in, there is risk. if i talk to a salesperson, there is no risk, because if they do or do not show interest, i have no idea what would have started it. 

DAY FOURTEEN  - Nov 4, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    4/4            *This Week   5/4

The first thing you should notice is the question mark has come off.   It may have taken some tough lobbying on my part, some convincing and perhaps a little bit of whining but the judge has affirmed that i deserved a point and last week has been awarded as a success.  Which, when you think about it makes sense, since i had to talk to two women i had never met before to get it. 

Today couldn't really be considered a day i took seriously challenge wise.  After all i was already finished and with all the points i needed for the week.  And why would i stick my neck out after this?  

Ok, ok, i know what you are going to say.  I know that this is a silly attitude and it isn't a real one.  Honest.   But it is harder for me to concentrate when i am ahead of the game. 

not to mention that i met today, an online friend who i have been talking to for about a year and a half and had never met.  So instead of being too nervous to meet her i went gladly and even allowed myself to be about half as charming as i am capable of being.  Which, happily meant that she didn't hate me and even kinda liked me.  Things like this are good. 

Week THREE

DAY FIFTEEN  - Mon Nov 5, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    8/8            *This Week   0/4

So this is a new week. Week three even. At the end of this week i am halfway through this challenge. And that will be pretty cool.  of course i am rather, um, frightened to say the least, at the notion that after i finish this challenge i am going to have to move up the ladder and try the next step.  How can that possibly be a good thing?  

In the morning i kept only half an eye on the challenge. It was, after all, monday morning.  

On the way home i was sort of in the same mood.  I glanced at a few women on the seabus and even made eye contact, but couldn't be bothered to think about things.  And then i am standing on the skytrain.  Standing beside me is a woman that i had seen on the seabus but hadn't given much thought to.  As i noticed her only a couple of feet from me, i realized that she closely resembled a friend that i have had a mild crush on from time to time.  Very similar in face but orangey blonde hair.  

What better reason to think of something to say, i thought. So i did.  She had this briefcase/bag that i kind of liked and i thought of a few things i could say about it.  And then i achieved a new level of understanding of the important things about the challenge.  Don't say all of the things that come to your mind. Cause as i was looking at the huge poofie frilly purple sleeves of her sweater that stuck out of her jacket.  The first thing that popped into my mind was to ask her how long she had been out of clown college.  And i kid you not, i'd marry the woman that could take that right when delivered out of the blue, but still, i didn't seem like the best thing to say.  

But i made eye contact.  I thought of what i could say.  I get the point. 

DAY SIXTEEN  - Tues Nov 6, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    8/8            *This Week   1/4

Today was not a good day.  Nothing happened with the challenge.  But this might have had something to do with the food poisoning i was combating.  However, a cute woman is sitting next to me at my cubicle for this week and i shall have some practice talking and chatting with her.    

DAY SEVENTEEN  - Wed Nov 7, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    8/8            *This Week   1/4

Hey, you know what i just noticed?  Up there, somewhere, i made a pun.  A fairly bad pun but it's there.  I can't believe i missed it.  It's right here.  I called the terms the rules of engagement.  Get it.  Oh, that would be so funny if i met someone and got engaged from this challenge (and no, that's not one of my goals thank you very much) it would be hilarious.  But as it is. I am so funny.  No really.  If you don't think so, you're just not getting it right.  Hmmmmm. With a sense of humour this finely developed and honed, why am i not crawling with interested women?  Don't comment, please, don't comment. (yes, this means YOU!)

So as i write this a few days in the future of this date i would just like to say that this week has been kind of a disappointment.  Not because of points, you'll find out about that as you read on, but rather, in terms of the girl that i talked to.  I didn't see her all week.  I grant you i don't know what i was going to do but i had told myself that without doubt i was going to not only force myself to end up beside her on the seabus but that i was going to talk to her.  I was going to initiate another conversation.  And i will even admit that although i had not made any promises to myself yet, that i was going to try very hard to make myself ask her out for coffee.  Hey!  It could happen.
   But i never saw her again. This isn't too surprising since in our discussion last week we spoke of how that was the earliest she had left work all week and it is the time i always leave.  And since on friday, even if she was trying to match my schedule that day (oh, yeah, i think about stuff like that, i don't' really accept it could be true, but i think about it) i left work early to buy my digital camera, it just wasn't fated. But yeah. a little disappointed.  There is always next week, i guess.    one thing to remember though is that she is a consultant and may not be in my part of the city all that much longer.

   Right back to today's entry.   Today was kind of like yesterday in that i was sort of coasting and having trouble taking things all that seriously.  Which isn't so good, you know, because if i look at my calendar right, this was wednesday already and i had only one point.  The morning went by in some sort of bleary eyed blur that i shouldn't be making eyes at women through anyways.  Who knows what my body language is saying at times like that.  I could be telling them that i like their poodle and is she free on saturday evening for all i know. 

   The afternoon was a bit better.  As i got on the seabus i noticed one girl that i thought would be a perfect candidate for the challenge, if she wasn't sitting two rows over and reading her book.  I couldn't have hoped for eye contact unless i stood on me seat and started doing some very weird things with my arms.  Now don't get me wrong, while i am usually rather capable of this, the idea of talking to a girl in any sort of serious manner afterwards seems more than a little difficult to me.  Odd that.
   But the story, it does not end here.  Today i was taking a different bus home than normal and as i got on it i scoped out my chances with anyone on it.  I wasn't too impressed really but it was mostly empty.  i was a little surprised when the same person got on the bus at the next stop. In fact, as she got on we made eye contact.  She didn't sit all that close to me but i saw what she was reading and thought of some things that i could say to her about it.  This made me happy.

   I would like to say that there is a possibility that i might start taking this bus more often (even though i have to walk two extra blocks up a hill to get to it) because it was positively packed with eligible aged, attractive, women.

   Uhhh, in case you missed that.  That's a point Charlie Brown!

DAY EIGHTEEN  - Thurs Nov 8, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    8/8            *This Week   2/4

   after a slow start this week, finally i wander towards work in the morning with my head on straight and my thoughts all about the challenge.  of course this didn't matter so much when i step onto the bus and everyone seems to either be old, grey haired and dour mooded (yah, it's a word, i just made it up!) or on their way to high school.  But no matter, my resolve did not flag, i made eyes at the woman in the Alesse ad above my head instead.  (because after all, i know she has a free and easy lifestyle, the ads tell me)

   At the seabus standing at the doors next to mine is once again the girl whose hair i like.  This is something of a bit of an increase to the challenge for me.  I am still a little visually smitten with the girl so i keep thinking about her.  Well, obviously since the thing i was going to say the first time was about her hair, i can't go with that this time and still hope to gain a point.  I could just say that it doesn't count to count her again, but i feel that it is more of a challenge to think of more and different things to say.  And after all, each time i make eye contact with her, is one more time that we have a connection. 
   Thankfully an opportunity presents herself.  She has the coolest little radio that she is listening to  Or at least this is what i will say, and she will respond that it is indeed not a radio, but an MP3 player.  And voila, a conversation.  And i work through this and figure out what i am going to say, and all his happy.  And then, no matter how hard i try, no eye contact will happen. she won't look at me. what, am i beast? am i hideous?  if you prick me do i not bleed?  does she not know that i am a person too?  am i invisible?  i will not be IGNORED here! ......and then i take a pill, calm down a little and search out different prey, i mean, young women.

   Moments later i am on the seabus and a woman sitting across an isle from me commits to some nice eye contact.  Friendly even.  She's reading memoirs of a geisha  a book i have been meaning to read for just about forever and has this great scarf, almost feather boa-like.  Two things to talk about.  Quite handily i score a point.  Making me rather happy for the day.  And no longer caring about that no-looking, nice-haired, stuck up....ok, ok...calming...

   the thing that we won't discuss here is the fine, middle aged gentleman sitting 3 seats to the left her that tried for the entire boat ride to make eye contact with me.  ok, i made eye contact, he wanted to keep it and play eyesies with me. i was having none of it.

   Nothing more happened today. Two in one day seems so terribly difficult to me.

DAY NINETEEN  -  Fri Nov 9, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    8/8            *This Week   3/4

   There was no today.  Every second of today my mind only had eyes for my camera.  Shut up.  I am not a freak.  Yes, yes i am a freak. Shut up i tell you. 

DAY TWENTY  -  Sat Nov 10, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    8/8            *This Week   3/4

   Today was a day not filled with opportunities.  I have to go extra special out of my way to make weekend days filled with opportunity (hmmm, yes, today is a Saturday, maybe i should add that to my title).  This is because i don't go out all that often and often when i do, i am with a friend.  It is so much harder to challenge when i am with a friend.

   Today i spent the day either in my apt or totally with friends.  However, there was a period of time when i wasn't with friends and i was out of my apt.  That's right, i was on my way to meet my friend.  Well, that's all you need isn't it?  Just a brief window in time.  And that's what i had.  At the bus stop when i arrived a rather attractive young woman was leaning up against the pole.
   She was happy, she was smiling.  I don't know if it is cheating or not, but as i made eye contact she didn't stop smiling so i am counting this.  I might have even saw a small quiver of her lip, maybe.  And then i came up with the most obvious way ever to start talking with her.  I would just ask her if a bus had been by recently.  I didn't, of course.  But i might have and that's all that counts.

Bing. My friends that is 4 points for this week.  And i am out of here.

DAY TWENTY-ONE  - Sun Nov 11, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    8/8            *This Week   4/4

Today was a day that could have been big, or it could have been little.

As it turned out it was little.

I spent the day out of the house, or most of it, between 2 different pubs. And rather than even needing to get up and go over somewhere to make a move at someone, there were two women i hadn't met before at our table. I wont' say that i didn't interact with them at all, because i did quite a bit. There was flirting, laughter, jokes but there was nothing like a conversation. Is this too bad? I guess. I did form a mini-crush on one of them but never broke the barrier and had more than shared smiles. A start? I guess so. But it is unlikely to go anywhere.

And, it didn't really matter, because i had enough points to be happy.


Week FOUR

DAY TWENTY-TWO  - Mon Nov 12, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    12/12            *This Week   0/4

You try scoring points when you don't leave the apt. Go ahead. Try. I dare you.

DAY TWENTY-THREE  - Tues Nov 13, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    12/12          *This Week   0/4

How bad is it that my current notion of a continuing relationship is making eyes at the same woman on a repeated trips on the seabus?

Today the girl in the grey skirt wore a beige skirt. I hadn't noticed before, because i had not been behind her, but she has a great behind. As soon as i found myself having this thought, i found my next thought to be that i shouldn't make this any part of any conversation i open up with in talking to her. As we enter the seabus she sits near to me and i manage to squeeze in a quick bit of eye contact. She sits, i sit. She pulls out a book and doesn't look up for the rest of the trip across. As i sit there and read my own book, i notice that she is reading a book by Ken Follet and i decide that would be a marvellous thing to discuss if i were to decide to

chat her up right there and then. Point, to me. Of course, we dock and

part, going our separate ways.

There was no further activity today.

DAY TWENTY-FOUR  - Wed Nov 14, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals   12/12            *This Week   1/4

This morning nothing really happened. I got on the bus thinking that today would be a good time to score a couple of more points. You know because points would be a good thing to have. And then the bus was super crowded and everyone was quite wet and very unhappy. I don't care what anyone says, rain is one of the joys of Vancouver. So rather than being hit over the head with an umbrella and called a name i decided that i would not try for anything there.

At the seabus...well, i can't decide if things were looking up or looking down. About as long as i have been coming to work here, or at least for the last 3 years, every once in a while i see this young woman. This tall, sweet, cute, delightful woman, that, unsurprisingly, i have had this mini-crush on. I have yet to figure out a way to talk to her. Pathetic. Perhaps. Me, definitely. I don't see her very often anymore, i think our hours of work diverged at some point a little. At one point last year she also got a boyfriend and i have no idea of the current status of that. So as she walks up this morning, i am thinking that i have to figure out a way to make her my next point in the challenge. If i get real brave this could be the time that i make the leap and actually talk to her.

I am working through ways in my mind, trying and discarding method after method, when i am poked in the side. Now wouldn't it be great if at this point i could just say, YES, IT WAS HER, only i can't. It was my friend, also on her way to work. So i start talking to her and think with only a third of my mind about the other woman. We get on the seabus and sit ourselves down. the other woman, sits far down the row. I glance, once, perhaps two or three times in her direction. Maybe i was a little bit wistful, you know lost chances and all that. However, i was likely much more relieved.

Five minutes later, however, when i looked up, she was talking to this guy. Some guy. I was struck with jealousy. this amused me.

DAY TWENTY-FIVE - Thurs Nov 15, 2001                                   *Challenge Totals    12/12        *This Week   1/4

Short and sweet today.  As i was standing, waiting for my seabus, there a girl standing at the next set of doors  She was cute.  Our eyes met. She was wearing these burgundy pants with black lines on them. I really liked the pants.  I would have said something about the pants.  Short, sweet, to the point. 

If you will please pardon the pun. 

DAY TWENTY-SIX - Fri Nov 16, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    12/12            *This Week   2/4

I was standing at the seabus in the morning thinking about it being Thursday and my only having one point for the week to date.  That's not really all that many.  As i was standing there a girl came up behind me and started talking to her friend.   I glanced back at some point and made eye contact and smiled as she told her story. 

It was really kind of funny, her story. It was all about the trials and tribulations she had had to get through that morning in order to get to where she was.  In the end i don't really know how she made the last leg of the journey.  I really wanted to turn around and say, 'i'm sorry, i couldn't help but overhear your story.  It's really quite amusing, and horrible, but i think i missed a part and i am horribly curious, how did you make the last leg.'  Of course i didn't but the point, she is mine for the taking!

Later in the same day i was considering my situation.  In a pique of desperation, i await my bus, frantically searching for the elusive final point of the week.  I spot a woman.  Promising.  Only she is swearing a buckskin jacket with buckskin fringe and a matching leather briefcase.  My first thought being, 'great, this'll be easy, i can just say something about her jacket.'  But then i realize, what the hell could i say about a buckskin jacket and remain serious.  i mean, it's a freaking buckskin jacket.  Not cynical or sarcastic.  

Before i even had a chance to try to figure out how to arrange eye contact she was gone, my mind was still fumbling with how to deal with the jacket.  

No point for me.  For the first time, i go into the weekend without having my points filled. 

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN - Sat Nov 17, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    12/12            *This Week   3/4

There was no point won today.  there was a thing or two that relate but i will discuss them tomorrow.  It's just a bit harder to make these things happen, you know when i am not making that transit to and from work each day. 

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT - Sun Nov 18, 2001                                       *Challenge Totals    12/12            *This Week   3/4

As i walked down the street today making my way towards the bridge and a meeting I realized that i was still only at 3 points for the week. Just as i had come to the very same realization on friday evening and as i had on saturday as well.  Each time i came to this realization i decide that i need to reform my resolve and do something, anything that will get me my point.  

Now it was sunday and i realized that even though I had formed this resolve 3 or 4 times yesterday, each time I had just pushed it off hoping that i could make something happen later in the afternoon when i went out with my friend.   At this point, as i was walking across the bridge, looking at the horizon and the bay, i realized that this was the absolute first time i had given it any thought since before i actually did go out yesterday.  Ooops. 

The person who sold me my ticket at the museum that i went out to was very cute and i did try my hardest to flirt with her.  (Yes, with actual words not just my eyebrow)  Does that count?  Does it matter that she wasn't very receptive but that her 'yeah I kind of have to be nice to you because it's my job, but you really are kind of harmless if not really funny and kind of uninteresting' smile was really kind of cute?  No, huh?  That's what i thought. 

It was just as i was walking off of the bridge that i realized that maybe my resolve is a little bit malfunctioning.  For i never even got as far as considering my plan for making my point today before the entire notion had wandered right out of my head.  And that was only a couple hundred meters back up the bridge. 

This revelation managed to spur me on even further though.  (Resolve comes easy to the person that can forget it by walking another dozen steps it would seem.)  I walked on, considering th situation for a little while, when a very nice ass, i mean woman, jogged past me.  It was, you know.  Very nice.  (you are aware that i haven't had a date in a while, right?).   Looking up i realized that we were coming up to a red light.  She would have to stop and do that cute little jogging on the spot thing.  

And i could pull up beside her and glance to the side.  And using a combination of luck and my secret powers of look-at-me (that may, in fact, no longer work) I could get her to glance at me.  I would smile.  I wouldn't say anything but i would be prepared to say....something.   

However, it was as i was considering what it was that i could say but wouldn't that she looked both ways and cautiously ran across the road against the lights.   No point there.  Would i end the week without 4 points?  Would i have to figure out a punishment for coming in under points?

Things looked bleak.  The world was dark.  And then i was on my way home on the bus.  I was desperately looking around for anyone that would fit the point profile.  I wasn't having much luck.  Not too much at all until i noticed the woman near the back.  Too far away for me to say anything to if i had wanted to but...  She made eye contact with me at some point, just a slight fleeting one but seconds later she was adjusting her hair.  That actually gave me a rather large thrill.  i was good enough to do a hair adjust for.  

I was thinking of things i could do, this evening, to try and figure out how to gain my point when she got up and came and stood beside me.  We were both getting off at the same stop.  I quickly made up something i could say about her interesting t-shirt and didn't say it.  POINT POINT POINT.  did i mention this is a point, and it may be just under the wire, but i succeeded in the week.  


Week FIVE

 

 DAY TWENTY-NINE -Mon Nov 19, 2001                                   *Challenge Totals    16/16        *This Week   0/4

So i fell in love on the bus today.  She had a reddish blond long curly hair, a simply wonderful smile and a personality and verve that emanated from her like cute from a kitten. I saw her from afar as i stood at the front of the bus and was stunned.  At that p-point our eyes sort of met, but didn't really connect.  Until seeing her, i had been searching the bus for the means to score a point, but when i saw her, it no longer mattered.  A point from her wouldn't work as we were separated by almost an entire bus, how could i talk to her?

so instead i spent my time stealing glimpses of her through the crowd.  As the bus progressed through its stops, i strategically made my way towards the back of the bus. With luck, at one stop, a number of people left and all of a sudden i was only a few feet from her.  She was even more beautiful than i had thought.  And better yet, now  i could hear her voice, and her laugh.  Oh, her laugh.  When she smiled i would get shivers down my spine.  When she laughed, i am pretty sure that a series of little quakes would occur.

without staring i managed to set it up so that my natural stance and position held my eyes near her.  more than once our eyes glided past each other, without coming to a stop.  Part of this might have been because her smile would draw my eyes back towards it.  

She was having an animated discussion with her friend about something. Something unimportant to me because i couldn't concentrate on her words. Every time i would try, her laughter would completely shatter my concentration.  it's at this point that i must confess that i was indeed not thinking of things to say.  I was not pondering our future lives together either.  I was just living in and enjoying the moment.   

Of course this led to another problem.  My damned autopilot.  At one point, her eyes did meet mine and stop, ready and seemingly willing to connect with mine.  Or they would have.  This is where i should be telling you about the long lingering gaze w shared, steeped with all manner of hidden possibilities and meaning.  Instead this is where i tell you how my eyes, on basically their own accord, darted away from hers.  Sigh!

i realize that there wasn't much chance of anything happening between us. Romance, was likely not to be.  And while i grant that while she might have been incredible and beautiful to me, that a lot of that was situational and subjective and that she was not, in fact, this Greek Goddess, unattainable and shall we say, so far out of my league that i couldn't even afford to watch a spring training game?  I would have been shocked, amazed and a potential heart attack victim if i had ever started a real dialogue with her but it was not something out of the realm of the impossible.  Just the improbable.

 Soon after this faltered and missed connection her stop arrived she left my life in the simulated whirlwind that had brought her to me only moments before (right, so this might be just a little melodramatic, but shut up, i actually wrote this while entranced by the moment), allowing herself just a few more chances to wring my heart on her way. She had beautiful sculpted legs, she wore the most delicious purple skirt and, for one last dying flutter, my last glimpse of her, through the foggy bus window was when she opened up her umbrella and it carried on it a monet print.

 Well, here's to lost chances and dead romances.

 

Of course this wasn't the end of the day and later I did make a point.  There was a woman at the seabus.  In comparison to the vision above she wasn’t even worth my thoughts but in the spirit of moving on in life, I chose to make the challenge move forward. She had the nicest dark curly hair and was wearing a very cool corduroy jacket and black, either of which I could make a comment about.

She was shy as well, she kept averting her eyes and looking at the ground.  It was very difficult to get myself to match them.  But I made it, and on this day of lost chances, I did get a point.  I wonder, would a shy girl be better for me than any other?  Or maybe, desperate enough to take me?
 

 DAY THIRTY - Tues Nov 20, 2001                                   *Challenge Totals    16/16        *This Week   1/4

Apparently right now i should be talking to her. I know this because yesterday i sent my friend and judge the letter about her and she was nice enough to explain that this was what the challenge was all about. Giving me the courage, skills and most importantly the learned habits to talk to the women that i want to talk to. And after that i was informed, in no uncertain terms that i WOULD talk to her the next time i saw her.

Last night and this morning it seemed unlikely that i would ever see her again. The notion that i had seen her before and just didn't' recognize her for being special seemed ludicrous to me. It had to be some special chance that had put us in the same place at the same time. After all, the only reason i had been on that bus in the first place was that i was late for work. Last night, yesterday, today, i found myself filled with hopes, dreams and wishes that if i could just see her again, that then i would know what to say. I would. I would say something that would make her smile. Maybe i would even give her the stuff that i had written about her yesterday. All of which was moot because the chances of ever seeing her again were too small.

And then, this morning, i overslept. My rushed preparations for work this morning were filled with notions of possibilities. After all i was going to be in the position to make an attempt to make the chances that i see her again more real. As i left the apartment i even caught myself thinking, 'You should have worn something nice, just in case.; Then i looked down and realized that I had worn something nice. This realization gave me hope for myself. My subconscious does look out for me. At least a little anyways.

As i approach and wait at the bus stop my mind is flooded with what-ifs. My spirit is buoyed and my mood great. As the next bus along pulls up, i realize that it is a different bus than yesterday. I think to myself that this means that she definitely won't be on it. I don't crash, I'm not depressed by this notion, i'm still coasting along on a possibility high.

So then i step up on the first step of the bus and glance down to the left. A quick glance because my attention is needed for getting on the bus and showing my fare. But, in that short glance, my eyes were sure that they had seen her once again.

This is where you should all sit back in your chairs and groan, because there may, in fact, be absolutely no hope for me. None. My reaction to my glimpse is distressing. My brain said aloud, but only in my head, 'Oh shit!.' It being my brain i didn't have to ask it what it meant, i knew. That glimpse, instead of fuelling my passion filled me with terror. because, here i was, at the point where i might be able to do something and i was frozen. Frightened by the notion that now i might have to talk to her.

I walked to the back of the bus. Indeed, there she was, sitting just where she had been the day before. This time her friend was not there and the back of the bus was only half filled. I picked the place that i felt gave me the best vantage point to see her and i sat down. I realized a little bit later that either because i wasn't thinking clearly or because my fear controls my life, that there was a perfect seat closer to her that was even within natural speaking range.

I sat there, trying to think of something to do or say. But my mind was blank and the loud thumping of my heart drowned out everything else. I gazed at her, watching for the things that i had seen yesterday. She was actually less animated and filled with life than she had been yesterday but this kind of made sense to me. After all, yesterday she had been talking to her friend. It is simple to be filled with verve when you are talking with a friend. After a few moments of watching her i realized that i sucked and i took out my notebook to write some thoughts i was having down. If nothing else she might think i am a little bit interesting because i have thoughts to write down.

As the bus progressed i realized that my choice of seats was not necessarily a good one because she didn't look straight ahead let alone backwards. She only looked forwards (which was a little weird because she was sitting facing the side of the bus. i wasn't quite as enamoured today was i had been yesterday, but there were certainly still a crush there. I kept looking at her hands, trying to see if she was wearing a wedding ring but she had one hand on the other, the wrong one, and didn't move it so i could see it for the rest of the trip. I did get this little, awwwww, soft thought, in my head when i saw, rolled up, her monet umbrella.

Suffice it to say, that even though i sat there with pangs and good intentions, i never did talk to her. Not only, though, did i not because i was afraid, but i really couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't see any way that i would be able to manage any sort of involvement between us.

But, never to fear. As she got up and left the bus, i vowed that this absolutely nothing reaction would never happen again. I am not saying i would be able to open a dialogue with her, but i have figured out something i could do. I have taken a page in my notebook and in it, i have written the url for the challenge entry that is about her. The next time i see her, i am going to figure out a way to say something similar to the following, 'Excuse me, i am a writer and a little while ago, i was on the bus with you. and something about you made me need to write something. So i did. I thought you might be interested in reading it, so i have written down a URL you can see it at.' And then run away, quickly. No, just kidding, if that starts a dialogue, then fine, but i am pretty sure that the odds are good that it will take me most of the trip with her to work up the never such that i give her the paper in a fit of desperation right before she leaves the bus.

Hopeless. Me.

On the other hand, i really like my new salutation, 'Here's to lost chances and dead romances.'

So upon writing this down and sending it to my friend and judge, the ever sweet (or is that sour) Shar, she indicated that there is a possibility that giving her the URL for this stuff, might come across as stalking her. That it might scare her rather than make her smile.  So here, to you i pose the question.  What do you think?  Is it a good or a bad thing to do?   Mail me your answers...

DAY THIRTY-ONE - Wed Nov 21, 2001                                   *Challenge Totals    16/16        *This Week   1/4

I think that my subconscious likes me.  no really, i think it does.  In a last ditch attempt to stop me from being single it awoke me late for work for the third day in a row today.  It appears that it will do anything to try and force me and my possible love together.  Today, though, even though it woke me a just the right time to catch the bus she might be on, it was a little too successful and defeated itself.  

I woke up in a grand and positively delightful mood.  This didn't stop me from doing the necessary things to get ready for work.  On the contrary, I scurried around doing them with delight.  In fact, in the shower i was forced to sing.  Sing a song.  Sing out loud.  Sing out strong.  And not just hum some sedate little ditty, no, i had to make up my own tongue-in-cheek Mississippi delta blues tune. 

 it was very nice.  Not the song, it was crap, and not the voice either.  I don't sing aloud, in the shower or anywhere else much (something about Vancouver special by-law 98-T, the so called, 'no spad singing law') but today i was enraptured in the experience.  And, even though i didn't really think that i took any extra time doing my sudsing, when i got out of the shower, I was i minute past the time that the busses that she would have been on go past my apt.

 I would sigh here and say something about lost chances and dead romances but i am still in a wondrous and joyous mood and it isn't going to go away quite that easily.  And after all it is not like i have enough answers to my question to form an educated opinion about my next step anyways.  This was one of the things i thought about while in the shower, what would i do if she was there today?  I couldn't give her the piece of paper yet. Not without more advice. would i talk to her (ok, the answer of yes to this would be a fine and grand thing, ending many problems and perhaps starting others, but i didn't really see it happening either).

 Who knows, maybe i'll be on time and she'll be early tomorrow.  You never really know, you know?

 On a different note. I did manage to score a point this morning.  Without the wonderful mystery woman to think about, i was able to focus on more pertinent things.  I was searching for someone to see as i waited for the seabus but there just wasn't anyone around.  i wasn't too surprised by this, because it is when i am ready and want a point that they are not forthcoming, not the other way around. 

 however, as i sat down on the seabus a redhead sat down near me.  at first i only got a glimpse and i remember thinking, she's kind of cute.  then i didn't really get a good look at her face again for a while.   I was thinking about things to say to her and settled on a comment about how much i like about her jacket, a faux mink, very natty.  As i was doing this thinking though, i seemed to allow the notion to enter into my head that she was much too old for me.  i couldn't really see her face but her demeanour, hairstyle and dress kind of indicated to me a high possibility of late thirties.  I was kind of wondering the validity of her being a challenge point, even as i came up with things to say. 

I think that i had sort of decided that my original impression had to be incorrect and that she wasn't someone i wanted to hit on.  I was trying to figure out how i would do it, just as a means of practice.  And either way, she wouldn't raise her head to make eye contact with me, so the point wouldn't count  in they end anyway.  As i was writing this entry, on my sea bus journey, i kept glancing up in her direction to see her face and hopefully make some eye contact.  i lucked out, just as the seabus pulled into the station, i was smiling, because i had been pretty much been smiling all morning (see above re good mood), and as she looked up in readjusting her jacket to depart, our eyes met.  She was cute, the jacket was a style statement, not an older lady statement and my point, it was scored.

 Good days, are good days, bad days shouldn't be remembered on good days.

 
The journey home this afternoon was one filled with turmoil and interest.  I got to the seabus and thought that i should try for a second point today.  After all, it had been a very eventful week, i was in a great mood, mabye i would even slip up and talk to someone.  As i stood there, at the seabus i looked around for someone to talk to.  At first the entire place was filled with men but then i saw someone that i had had a crush on for a while (i talked about her in the entry for day twenty-four).

I stood in front of her as she talked to her friends.  I found out some bad news, her last day at her job was friday.  I wasn't going to see her, likely ever again.  If i was going to talk to her ever, it was going to be tomorrow.  (well, you didn't expect me to talk to her right then did you?)

As i got on the seabus and sat down i was made happy by the fact that she sat down across from me, i would at least get to see her smile as i went along.  As i was sitting there, i noticed, across the next isle yet another woman that i found to be quite attractive.  We made eye contact, i smiled.  I even thought up interesting things to say to her.  Another point. (for those of you counting, that's two for today).

Then, the smile still on my face, my eyes roving along the row that the second woman was sitting in i noticed a woman security guard from work.  I had thought before that she kind of had an interest in me, but sadly, as is often the way, something about her made my interest in her rather, non-existent.  I am not really sure what, but, something.  I waved and she asked me how i was, from across the row.  I said fine and hi back.  Thankfully, she didn't seem to want to pursue a cross aisle conversation.

I drifted off for the rest of the trip.  Sleep is good. Don't ever let anyone else tell you differently. 

As i left the seabus, she ended up beside me and we spent the rest of the walk talking with each other.  I, don't know things well enough to know these things, but i think she was sending me signal after signal and coming onto me like gangbusters.  Of course, i'm obtuse and didn't really notice and we parted on a friendly note.

But wait, there's more.

I was sitting on the bus, thinking about things when this woman walked on.  She, was, something. She had a wonderful sense of style, very eclectic and unique.  A pretty face and a very inquisitive smile.  I think the thing that struck me the most about her was how much she looked around at the things around her.  She seemed to really notice things.  I really liked that about her.

It took me 3 attempts to hold my eyes when she looked at me but on the third, i managed.  By this time i had thought of something to say to her.  Something about her scarf, i really liked her scarf.  She also had this very cute way of playing with the end of her hair.  I gave her one last lingering glance as i left the bus but it was not returned.

So, um, there might not have been the monet umbrella girl today, but, instead i scored 3 points.
And if you hadn't noticed, this gives me the rest of the week off.

 

DAYS THIRTY-TWO-FOUR - Thurs-Sat Nov 22-4, 2001                          *Challenge Totals    16/16        *This Week   4/4

 I suppose that you could just assume that having made my four points so early in the week that all i did for the rest of the week was coast in a daze and fugue state, not even looking at women. Well this obviously isn't true, i looked at women left right and centre.  And you know, i ever thought about what i would say if i was going to pick them up.  Even better it came easier when i wasn't working so hard.  I just had to glance at women and i would think of things to say. 
   That is such a good feeling.  It might have been a better feeling if i had been able to talk to someone about it...but....well you know, i'm not there yet. 

   But the thing about this coasting thing, i don't really remember them on an instance by instance basis.  I mean, i can remember the woman in the bookstore tonight that caught my eyes and kept them for an instance.  I can also remember that the second that she met and kept my eyes any notion of being able to say something was gone out of my head.  But for the rest of the days...no, i am not coming up with anything.  So maybe you will have to be heartened by the fact that i seem to be working ok. 

   There is also the point that this next week is the last week of this phase.  And, to answer your question, i am frightened by what the next phase might bring.  And no, i don't' know what that might be yet.

DAY THIRTY-FIVE - Sun Nov 25, 2001                          *Challenge Totals    16/16        *This Week  4/4

   So how much would it annoy you if i just said right here, see day 34?  Well, it'd be pretty much true.  Not too much happened today.  i was actually out in public a fair amount today but as is common with days that i spend with a friend i don't really look at....  Ok, ok, you got me, that's so utterly not true, i look at women constantly but what i don't really do is consider having a relationship with them of any sort and as such it is even less likely that i am going to think about talking with them.  
   Is this weird?  I don't think so.  I mean, i guess if she was going to be my wingperson or something like that it would be ok. but she's not.  It would also be one of the weirdest things ever for her to be that. 

Week SIX

DAY THIRTY-SIX - Mon Nov 26, 2001                          *Challenge Totals    20/20       *This Week  0/4

This week looks like it is going to be a tough one, in terms of the challenge. I can't seem to get into it all that much.  Or rather every time that i am near where i should be and thinking about what i should be thinking about, i'm not thinking about it in the right way.  For instance today when i got on the bus there were a few women that were of the correct age and position such that i could have made an attempt.  However my brain just wouldn't work that way.  Granted it was Monday morning so it is slightly to be expected. 

   A little later i was standing at the seabus.  I had beat the hump that would allow me to challenge and i looked around.  The note that i wrote in my notebook?  "there is a dirth of challenge potentials here.'  And there really were none.  I looked everywhere, everyone was a man, a bag lady for over 60.  (hmmm, i just looked up dirth, apparently it's not a word.  bummer, i've been using it for years). (no wait, hold on, i've only been spelling it wrong for years, the word is dearth - sorry, end diversion)  (of course, i look at it now and think it is darth vader's first name misspelled).  

  In the afternoon, i think i made a half-hearted attempts later on my way home, but you know, i don't really remember them. 

DAY THIRTY-SEVEN - Tues Nov 27, 2001                          *Challenge Totals    20/20        *This Week  0/4

   I don't know what to tell you about today.  Today was in what, i am going to call, a fragile mood.  Somewhere between discontent and depression.  It all started in the shower so from the moment i walked out the front door, i was at a disadvantage.  Worse yet, i was running late so i was going out the door during the time period that Monet Girl rides the bus (or did on the two occasions that i have seen her).  My mind occupied, sorting through some things and some other things, i was amazed by the fact that not only did i notice women around me but i also thought of things i could say.  (as it turned out i took a bus the Monet Girl wouldn't be on)  
   I think, that in all, on my way to work, there were 4 separate women that i could have scored with (a challenge point thank you very much).  With each one of them i made eye contact and thought about what i could say.  But with each one of them, there was no way that i would ever say anything.  I just wasn't interested.  At the time i thought about the validity of the points, but, given that there was just no chance of my talking, (you know, unlike the normal incredibly slim chance). 

   Later, after a day of allowing work to deaden my emotions (as interactions with the world normally does) i did try once more on the way home.  There was this interesting woman at the seabus.  She was all bundled up, in a rather charming way.  I pretty much came up with a dozen ways to use a discussion about the cold to start a conversation.  Of course at this point you must know that something was going to go wrong.  Something did.  I couldn't meet her eyes.  I tried, it's not that i failed.  She managed to spend the next 20 minutes not meeting my eyes.  She sat almost directly across from me on the seabus and still managed.  Sigh.  Ah well.  

Today there were no points.  This doesn't make me feel bad.  Tomorrow is another day. 

DAY THIRTY-EIGHT - Wed Nov 28, 2001                          *Challenge Totals    16/16        *This Week  0/4

this morning was a little bit strange. it turned out that the woman i decided i really wanted to score a point with was practically unattainable and the one that i wasn't so interested in but was easy to catch the eye of was practically impossible to think of something to say to.

here's what happened. I got on my bus this morning thinking that it is Wednesday and i have no points yet for the week. i have no choice but to figure out some way to score a point here or all is lost. i walked to the back and scored one of the nice sideways sitting seats. after sitting down and getting comfortable, (or at least as much as you can do such on the bus) i looked around to see what i could see.

Ok, this is almost a complete lie.  by the time i had sat down i had already scoped out most of the women at the back of the bus and noted which i was attracted to and which i wasn't. right away i was a little disappointed because the seat that i had sat down in was beside a woman that had almost taken my breath away as i entered the bus. Disappointed because while my seat faced to the side, hers faced resolutely forwards, so even though i was 8 inches from her for the entire trip, there was no chance of my making any sort of contact. did that stop me from sensing her proximity and falling for the subtle flower smell that hung about like mist on a pond? well no, but neither did it stop me from moving on with the challenge.

The scented lady being lost to me, i once again looked around at the other prospects at the back of the bus. the first, i discarded almost instantly because she was both a little to far away and there was just a little something about her that i found to be unattractive. The next, as i glanced at her, looked at me and I smiled as our eyes met. I didn't really think about it, i just let it happen. I wasn't attracted to her much either, something....yeah, just something about her. The third girl, i don't think i ever saw a full facial shot of. But i was almost as delighted by her as i was by the lady of sweet smells who had captured my attention all the way from the front of the bus.
 
her beauty was a little more subtle but she had this pair of glasses that offset her cheekbones just right. her hair, a nice auburn.  She was practically perfect. right away i could think of 7 things to say to her, ranging from how i liked her coat, her purse, her glasses to discussions of the weather. unfortunately she was a little ahead of me on the bus and facing forwards so i could not get eye contact easily. for a little while i tried to use my special powers to get her look over at me but they were fizzling, or it was just too great a task for them.

Eventually i gave up. (i think you need to realize that my bus ride is rarely longer than 15 minutes, so the eternities i speak of are always a lot longer in my head than they would be by the clock). I turned back to the woman who had already met my eye. After all, i was halfway there, i almost had this point, all i had to do was think up something to say. It didn't really matter all that much that i didn't find her all that attractive, now did it?

Would you believe, i looked at her for the longest time and could not think up one thing to say. nothing. i mean, i had thought up 7 for the other, some of which consisted of weather, but this one, nothing. Not even the weather ones seemed to work for me. It was kind of confusing to me how different these reactions were. I tried and tried, coming up blank. i even gave up a few times and tried to get the other girl to look over at me for a while. each time, though, it was futile and i had to give up. eventually, i did come up with something to say to this girl. something about how i liked the way her hair looked when it was swept back from her eyes like that. but it wasn't easy. not in any sense of the word.

The lady of scents left the bus shortly after this, i hoped to make eye contact at this point but it was doomed to not occur and the stop after, the girl with glasses left as well. I think that if it weren't for the hood she pulled up to protect against rain, i might have caught her eye, but it was also lost before it began. The girl i scored the point with, i am sure she left the bus at some point.

DAY THIRTY-NINE - Thurs Nov 29, 2001                          *Challenge Totals    16/16        *This Week  1/4

   This morning i managed to find my way onto a bus that absolutely crammed with people.  i don't really know where they had all come from because they are not always there, but today, yup, lots.  Much to cramped and unpleasant to find someone to challenge with unless the were jammed right up beside.  Which, of course would give me the perfect things to talk about. 
   Of course, beside was an older guy who wasn't in the slightest bit attractive and an older woman that kind of scared me.  For some reason, although not crowded the seabus was pretty much in the same state as far as the challenge goes.  No choices. 

   The way home was a little different. I was very aware of the state of the challenge, it being Thursday and my having only one point, and it a flimsy one at that.  The seabus was remarkably lacking in potentials although there was one woman i did attempt to score a point with.  I think i met her eyes at one point but she proceeded, before i could come up with something to say, to sit to far from me for it to be feasible.  She was also married. 

  Undaunted by this i got on the bus and hoped for the best.  I still had a chance here.  At first there was nothing for me but a little while into the ride a young woman got on, a child holding her hand and she came all the way to the back.  As she approached we made eye contact and we both smiled.  Then she and the little boy sat right next to me.  I thought of a few things that i could say, including talkign about her jacket, one of the best ones i h