still journaling mostly over  here.

sad.

this morning at ten to seven i was lying peacefully on my couch, the place where last night at two i had fallen asleep. then i heard a messenger chirp through my not really asleep anymore half-addled brain. wondering who/what/why i was getting messenged at that time of the morning for i popped up and checked who it was.

it was my cousin from ontario. apparently, yesterday, my grandmother's sister died.

frankly i was completely floored by this. didn't know what was up, how to deal with it, or just couldn't accept it. while margie is not a direct relation to me she was one of my favourite people back there in the surrounds of my extended family. she was so friendly, welcoming, fun, filled with life...she was just always ready to make me feel like i belonged, even though i wasn't there all that often. i guess you could say, even though i never thought the words before, that i loved her.

i've had other people in my life pass away but you know, never anyone that gave me such a sense of loss so quickly. i got the details from my cousin and then decided i would go back to bed. i went to bed. couldn't sleep. my mind just kept tumbling around, over this sense of loss and sadness.

after about 15 minutes of this i decided it didn't matter that it was too early, i was gonna call my parents and make sure they had heard the news. my dad answers the phone, they had heard last night and had forgot to call. i guess, maybe she didn't mean as much to him because 20 seconds into the phone call he's asking me if i had heard any important work rumours the day before. this makes sense to me, i built up my relationships with the back east people while spending all my christmases during university with them.

after the phone call, i once again tried to get to sleep. it just wasn't working. thoughts of margie filled my head. thoughts of how she wouldn't be around to smile at me anymore. thoughts of sadness. thinking about how i could respond to this. i can't really get back there to go to the funeral. would i send flowers. would i send a card? would i call her husband? after about half an hour of this i did the only thing that was practically guaranteed to get me to sleep and drifted off. and slept for 4 hours.