has it really been that long?
i guess it has.  it's been a busy summer. busy busy like a bee.
a lazy assed, floatin' around, never gettin' it's work done bee.
but what more could you ask for?  i dunno. more journal entries mebbe.
but you dont' really get everything you'd want can you?

today i am feeling my mortality.
my aloneness.
my aloofness.
allow me to explain, as i insert some text i posted elsewhere

a woman i work with, that i talk to numerous times a day, that i share a laugh every day with has died. i don't know what the line with workmates is, before you call them a friend, because i never had any exposure to her outside of work but....

wednesday last she went home with a very sore shoulder.
thursday last she called into a project manager to say that she was going to the doctor that morning and might even be in in the afternoon.
friday last, no one talked to her at all. in fact, the project manager talking to her is the last contact we know about. someone from a different dept told us this morning that she was supposed to have dinner with her on saturday night but she neither showed up nor called.
this got us pretty worried so the wheels got in motion and someone went to her home. she lives alone. she's about 40, fair health, although she does smoke and she's a bit overweight. the person came back to tell us that her car was in the driveway but no one was answering the doors.
at this point we're pretty worried but really hoping that she's met some young rich man and flown to vegas. we check the hospitals. we call her brother. before the brother calls back our worry takes over and we call the cops (i say we, but most of what i did was standing around dithering). eventually, before the cops have actually done anything, the brother calls back and he takes off to meet the cops with his keys.
not too much longer after that a friend comes over to me and tells me that they found her body. this is still the only detail i know.

i guess i dont' really know how to deal with death. i do know i deal with it differently than others. i was forced to tell about 5 or 6 people of this news. every single one of them met the news with complete and utter disbelief. i didn't, i accepted it as truth right away. one guy mumbled about it for over an hour. i mumbled things back to everyone where necessary.
i feel bad about it, i guess. but i don't feel any depth of sadness. i don't feel any huge loss. maybe it'll come.
maybe it won't. i dont' know that i've ever lost someone i would say i truly loved but i have lost some people that played large roles in my life. i seem to always react like this. i dunno.

it effects. it just doesn't effect in the stereotypical way.

has made a bunch of us think though.
those of us who live alone.
how long would it take someone to find the body?
i do know that in a half hour i am going to call my parent's and give them the numbers of my friends in town here. and maybe i will also give my friends the number of my parents. you know...to deal with this stuff somehow, if needed.

i worked through it, figuring out what i could expect. when would i expect to be found.
i don't think any of my friends would be phased by not being able to get a hold of me and not having me talk to them for at least a week.  I am not sure how that should make me feel.
to think that i could by lying in my apt dead for 3 or 5 days without anyone finding me.
   i think that likely the most i could go would be about 5 days though.  this is part of a benefit of my father working at the same company that i do. if i didn't show up for work for more than a couple of days without saying anything to anyone and didn't answer my messages, then they would know to call my father.  I am also reasonably sure that they could come and check it out when they couldn't get a hold of me.  of course by then, Isaac would have chewed of my face.  not out of hunger but because i wasn't paying attention to him.
   gives you some things to think about.
   not too many. but some.
   i don't know if i will do anything different.  when i got home from work i was all gung ho to make sure that my people had interchangeable contact information. but you know what, i took a nap instead.  priorities screwed up?   perhaps. perhaps. perhaps.