Stuff On Top

May 26, 2002 - 11 a.m. 

 

What do you do when you feel an old addiction rising up?
What do you do when you feel the feelings of old returning?
When you the need to feed the addiction returns?
When it sneaks in slowly...
When it calls to you gently...
at first
but then grows...
and grows...
becoming more and more meaningful.
You feed it once...
Just to see if it really does feel like it used to.
You feed it again, because it did feel like it used to.
Then you start feeding it...
When it wants to be fed.
You begin to lose control.
It begins to consume you.
All of a sudden you realize than an evening where you were going to be productive and get things done, is gone.
And then another, the day after follows it.
You can't decide if your time is wasted...
or well spent...
but you are pretty sure the only thing arguing on the side of 'well spent' is the addiction itself.
It certainly has a strength of debate behind it.

What do you do when you feel yourself on the path that can only lead to your being consumed?

The only instinct i have hear...the only feeling i have...the only path i find myself being told to follow...is to succumb, to become one with the addiction.

Is this bad?
Is it horrid?
Am i bad person?

I think not.
Addiction...
Is a weakness...
I will admit...
But when your addiction is merely for a video game that is more than 10 years old...i think that i will survive it.
i speak, of course (as if it wasn't obvious from what i wrote above), 3D Pinball for Windows. i had the hankering to play it the other night....an urge i hadn't had in a couple of years, i think.  All of a sudden...it was no longer 8 o'clock...it was now 11:30. I had watched TV all night as well, for sure, but i hadn't written anything, as i had told myself i would.  I hadn't started work on that necklace that i am going to make.  I didn't write that letter i was meaning to get to.  You know...the game...it just took over.

shuddup.
if you knew...if you could understand...you wouldn't be scoffing now. You couldn't be scoffing now...not if you knew.

I was going to write a whole bunch of stuff today.  I even knew how the next part was going to start...but then...i started talking about pinball...and i feel...like...i...must...instead.....