Stuff On Top

June 24, 2002 - 8 p.m. 
 

Does anyone want to come around and wack me upside the head every time I lose all sense of responsibility where money is concerned?

No really, I think I need this kind of help. In fact I think I need this kind of help badly.
How about also, someone come around and slap me upside the head every time I think that I need to buy another dvd.
No really, I think I need this kind of help too.

Now, I grant you that I am relatively happy with the collection of dvd's that I own. So I am not buying just to be buying and I am buying things that I will likely watch every year and a half or so for the next few years.  And I am purchasing them used, I mean stolen, I mean used and therefore, if I watch them that often then I am getting my money's worth out of them.  And yet, it still seems like a car wreck gone out of control.

My finances are a mess.
A horrid, horrible, crappy mess.
I am taking steps now to bring them under control.
Steps, that, if I had taken them last year at about this time, would already have things not only under control but happy.

Of course, I didn't do this.
Because, I didn't have anyone wackin' me upside the head.
I guess, in theory, I should be the one wackin' me upside the head.

You know what, its far easier to ... um lose your train of thought when it is interrupted than when it isn't.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

I had a glorious weekend this weekend.
The first and most important part is the sleeping in.  I don't really sleep in anymore.
I can't.  I sleep my 6 or 7 hours and I wake up and I am done sleeping. I don't really know why but as soon as I started working constantly for a living this appeared to be the way my body started working.

I don't think I hate it too much, I don't really miss the sleeping in so much and I feel like I am getting enough sleep.  So that's all good.

But this weekend, I slept in. not once, but twice.  Or rather on Saturday I slept in until about 10:30 or so, from going to sleep at 3-ish and Sunday I slept in 'til 8:30, but from going to bed at about 10:30.

Friday...I went and saw windtalkers after work and then bought dvd's on the way home.  I watched office space, finally.  It was pretty much as good as people said it would be as well.  This surprised me...I mean when the only other thin you have to really judge a person's work on is Beavis and Butthead...you can see why I might be leary.  Dennis that is.

Saturday I did a bunch of nothing for a big long while and then later I went to have coffee with a friend. 
And by bunch of nothing I mean less than you think.  I think the TV was on for a while.  I think a book was in my hand for a while.
I might have watered the plants, maybe.  Other than that, I don't think much of anything was accomplished at all.
After coffee, I went to the beach with some friends. At the beach I went swimming (the ocean water isn't nearly as cold as it could be at this time of the year) and played a bunch of Frisbee, both in and out of the water.

...

Hmmm. So...something...of interest to me.
Self image.

I'm fat. I know this. I need to lose weight. I know this.
I'm also fairly hairy. I also know this. You do not need to picture any of this if you don't want to.
I'm not horribly self-conscious about the way that I look.  I mean, I am what I am and that is all that I am.
(nyuck nyuck nyuck) but I do have a couple of issues.  One of the issues is about what others are going to think when they see me.

Not what they are going to think about me, I don't really care so much about that.  They can think that I am a big old lincoln fat assed log for all I care.

However, and I guess this is a little bit of a fine line here, I do care, about, what kind of reaction they are going to have for themselves.

Let me see if I can clarify a little.
A person can look at me and feel whatever they want. No problem.
But if a person looks at me and they feel repulsed (and yes, some people I know are like that. And yes, they are sucky people.  And not really worth caring about so much...but...well we all have limits right.  Really overweight (yeah, I wanted to say fat chicks) in spandex biker shorts.  That's not really something I need to see.  It's not something I would ever stop someone from wearing.)  But, they idea that people are disturbed, on some level other than logical, that it could interfere with their enjoyment of the day....regardless of my ability to say that this is their problem, well I get concerned about such things.

So I would say that thoughts like these probably keep me away from the beach sometimes.
But the best thing is when friends want to go to the beach, because they don't think like that for me, and I am never going to let a concern like that matter even remotely enough to stop me from going somewhere with someone.  I mean , heaven forbid I have to explain all this to someone.  And when I get there...there is a step that I have to get past.  I remember the first time I had been to the beach with my friend S this year.  We were at the beach, a good time to doff your shirt and lie in the sun.  But this isn't what I did right away.  I hung out for a while with my shirt on.  It was a while later, when I realized that I was being silly, that I threw my shirt off, rubbed on the sunscreen and lay like a very happy, content beached whale.

Cause you know, once they clothes are off, I no longer care.  It is only that one little step of taking things off.
I noticed this when I had my nude form painted, I noticed this when someone was doing a nude photo shoot of me. It's not the being nude, I can be nude, or half dressed, or whatever forever and ever without having problems with it.  It is the getting to that point that is a problem.  That one little step.

So sometime this summer a friend an I are going to go to a nude beach.  We have been talking about it for, well, this is the third summer and I think it is going to happen this summer.  I want it to. I think it's a good step in self-body acceptance.  There's nothing wrong with being nude.  It's just getting there that is the problem.  I can feel the quivering sense of feeling running up my back, even now, of moments before I leave my house and thinking of ways I can get out of it.  These are the challenges that make life interesting, no?

....
Digression over...after the beach we went for a blizzard and then I went home and fell asleep not long after.
Yesterday I went to some free jazz and then a bar-b-que with friends.
Delightful.

Hi.
Bye.