Stuff On Top

Mar 7, 2002 -  10:30 p.m. 

 

So, i like cheesecake.  This is the thought that came to me as i deleted last weekend's entry and thought i should write something right now.
   I mean the reason that it would come up to say is pretty darned evident.  I just sat down at my computer with a healthy size piece of lemon cheesecake and a tall glass of ice cold milk.  mmmmmm. joy and bliss i tell you.

   So do you ever feel unloved?  Do you ever walk around in a daze because neither think that anyone loves you nor ever could?  You know that feeling, like you are a dusty, scummy rock that people would rather kick than pick up, rather step on than step over, rather discard in hopes of finding a better one to skip out into the lake.
   Could there be any worse feeling in this world?  Any sadder feeling. I can't really imagine there being anyone that is not worth loving, at least in the littlest bit.  I mean even the sickest twisted pervert out there can usually find someone with the same sick and twisted needs somewhere.

   So i don't feel like that.  I don't know if i have ever felt enough like that that it actually caused me some sort of depressive type episode.  But i do have a point here.  I am getting to it.
   I don't really share the sort of friendship with most of my friends that allows to show are deep caring moods and etc. In fact, trying to be open about your feelings is more liable to get you mocked and laughed at than hugged and cared for. Don't get me wrong, this is, for the most part, the type of life that i have set up to live because i like to live it that way. 
   Unexplained emotions and feelings are still there.  You can tell they are there and you know, somehow that they are there to reassure you.  At least most of the time.  From time to time, i catch myself wondering.  Saying things to myself, 'why do they hang out with me, they don't really like me.'  Or, when someone says, 'why do we hang out with you again,' i ask myself whether there might be a glimmering of truth in what they have said.

   For the most part though, i don't think things like this.  For the most part i love my friends to death and even if i don't show it, most of them know it for a fact.  And i don't have to show it.  I guess that one of the good things for me in my more recent history of personal and emotional growth is that i am growing more and more capable of making my feelings known when they are required. 
   I think that i have always had the ability to know when they should be expressed as feelings, just not the capability to do it.

   I guess what i am trying to get at, in my own round about way, is that while i know that i have people that love me, i don't walk around in a state of knowing it. I have to think about it to realize it.  Or be in a state of need.  i think that for the most part it might be nice to walk around knowing this sort of thing all the time. 
   But i also think i don't want to be a person who is surrounded by those touchy feely types all the time either.  Wit, sarcasm and caustic personalities are the interesting bits of life.  I mean if i ever did decide that i wanted that type of thing, i'd become a hare krishna or something.

   Tonight though...something happened that i very much liked.  Last night, while i was at a movie i saw someone from my past.  You know...sordid and evil.  The type of person you just never really need to see again.  Someone who may just have enough hold on you to walk back into your life and cause you some more pain before that glide on out again.  I lucked out and she didn't se me so we didn't have to have any sort of uncomfortable meeting or anything like that.
   today i related the story to my friend, my wondrous, marvellous, way too good for me friend.  when i got to the part where i mentioned that we had not talked to each other and i said that i was glad, i got one sentence in return.
   "I am glad that she is not in your life anymore.'

   Now i don't think i was in any particular needy mood or anything, but i might have been.  i am not sure. i had thought that i was fairly content all day today but...when i read this....i choked up.  i stopped, paused everything and just felt, well, loved.  it was a very good feeling. a very nice feeling.  i wonder what kind of lives people who live like this all the time live.
   i wonder if this is what a good marriage would be like.
   I wonder if this is why people buy dogs.
    hmmm. i wonder.

   so you probably want to hear something about the girl.
   i'm not going to say anything about the girl other than to say that things are going nicely.
   there must remain some level of mystery you know.

good night.

oh. i was asked if i ever pimped my update list and if not why i didn't do it more often.  you know...so you don't have to keep checking back.  the answer is, i don't really pimp it. but...if you're interested....and i do say some pretty funny and/or strange in my personally, hand typed advisory notes if i do say so myself, you can click on the link up there over on the right.

   ok. one last thought.  the piece of cake was a little too big.  oooooooooooooo. full.