Stuff On Top

Mar 17, 2002 -  11 p.m. 
 

  sometimes i wonder. sometimes i don't, but sometimes i do. i've been sort of depressed off and on for the past few days. for one reason or another.
   well, ok, i know one of the reasons. there was a slight disturbance... in the force...sorry, i couldn't resist.  no, there was a slight disturbance with the girl.  but not to worry, it has been talked through and as such, dealt with.  I think that caused it in part but i don't think it caused it in whole.
   i don't what has really caused it though. i dont' really know if i should know.  do people always know what has them depressed? 
   I keep wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that before this week has ended, i will be 30 years old. 30.  that's 3 decades lived my friends.  maybe it's the fact that while i appear to have a good job that is practically a career i don't know what i want to do with my life.  maybe it's the fact that my best friend from school is getting married this week.  maybe it's the fact that most of my friends are married. maybe...wait a second...i'm started to get depressed now.
   hmmm. as much as i think like this, all i can think is that my 30th birthday is kind of a treat. so i don't really think that this is it.

   i don't know. i'll try to work through it.
i was scratching my head and wondering what to do today when my friend cancelled our plans.  i felt so lost, and all of a sudden i felt lost and bored, then lost and bored and lonely, then we hit lost, bored, lonely and depressed. i mean, i could have called someone else, or i could have done something else but i just couldn't think of anything that i might want to do.
   so i sat on my couch and zoned to music.  something i don't do very often at all. it was actually really cool.  i was thinking, my mind swirling the music seeping into me. why don't' i do this more often?  hell, why don't i just listen to the plaid tongued devils more often?  after not long i was interupted by a friend and as i chatted a little i realized my mood had almost contained itself. 
   and then i made a hummingbird.

   i say that as if it was just simply that.  it did take 5 and a half hours though.  but...there is nothing like creating to push bad thoughts out of your mind. or something like that.

   and now my weekend is done. how much does that suck?