Hmmm. Strange things are afoot.  First off is that I don’t know for sure that my apathy has left me but I appear to be ready willing and able to write lots in my journal none-the-less. We are moderately happy about that. So to speak.   I guess having apathy and still having the inclination to write is a good thing.

   But last night something a little off happened.  I am still trying to figure it out.  Last night was the finale of Survivor 3.  I watched it, just as I watched most of the season. I found that while the show as no more amusing than it was the first 2 times, but starting a pool and making the guesses each week count for something brought a little extra to the show.  So last night I had a need to watch the show because it was all riding on who was going to win.  Now my money was on Lex and he did no make it.  but that is not the important part.

   Sometime after 6 I was chatting with a friend online about the show and she asked me why it was that there was no survivor party that we were going to for the evening?  This seemed to be an event that people should get to together and cheer and jeer at the screen.  I agreed with her it did seem to be that type of event.  We continued to chat and about 20 minutes or so later she said that she had done some organization in the background and we were now having a survivor party at my friend shar’s house. 

   Quick thinking on her part and then she proceeded to ask if I was coming.  And all of a sudden I found myself resisting it.  This is where I couldn’t figure out where this was coming from.  I am a sucker for just about anyone asking me to come and do something.  I really have trouble saying no.  I will grant that a lot of the time I also have a lot of trouble wanting to say no.  When I am asked it seems like a great and grand thing to do so I say yes.  Practically instantly.  It is not until later that I realize that this might not, indeed be the case.  That I might not really want to do it but that I wouldn’t realize this until later.

   Add to this the fact that the person doing the asking was an attractive female with a pretty smile and better yet makes me smile?  If I thought I was at a loss to refuse invitations in general like this from such a creature I am a complete and utter sucker.   So here I am sitting on my couch hearing someone say that I should be coming to this watching survivor party, that I need to come because it will be more fun with me there, that I make these things fun and that she wants me there.

   What comes to my mind?  That I don’t want to.  I can’t really figure out why but that is what comes to my mind. I want to watch the TV show alone.  The excuse I provided as I gave a ‘maybe’ was that it was wet and rainy outside and it was so warm in my apt.  This was not a reason that would really have kept me home if I wanted to go.  Conveniently though she let it drop at a maybe.

   Not too long after this I emailed my friend who was having the party and said that I wouldn’t be coming.  At that time I still didn’t know why I would be coming.  Right now I still don’t’ know for sure why I didn’t go to the party.  I have two threads of thought, either, of which could be the explanation, either in concert or alone.

   The first is apathy.  Apathy is a great way to avoid seeing your friends.  But I haven’t really been avoiding them at other times. I was out for a movie with my friend Jacqueline the night before and I even tried to arrange coffee with another friend before the movie (although it never happened).  I am going out with the very same friend that was trying to convince me to come last night tonight.  

   This is not, of course conclusive evidence, perhaps it was apathy from just last night (and I was in a weird mood that I can’t really classify very easily).  Perhaps an apathy that effects my desire to go and see groups of friends?  Maybe. It might have been.

   The second is a little bit more difficult to explain.  It was the notion that the show would be more fun for me to watch alone.  Now don’t’ get me wrong I do like watching TV with people. I find it very enjoyable, much the preferred way of watching.  Especially some of these people, some of the time.  But I have this habit…I talk.  I jeer.  I comment.  I’m noisy.  With TV in general I am all these things.  It is quite rare that a TV show should take all my attention.  This is why I read, or write, or type, or make jewelry or whatever when I am watching alone.  Anything to increase the brain input to the point where I am occupied enough not to be bored.  This grows exponentially with silly shows like Survivor.  I mean, is there really enough content there to suggest that it should occupy my mind? 
   So anyway, I have watched survivor with these folks, survivor and other shows and I get the impression that I talk to much.  I jeer too much.  I make too many comments.  (get the impression, by this I mean I am told to shut up).  And I grant that I do, if I am told to shut up, it is because I am talking when they want to listen. And when done in good spirit this is fine, I grant that I am talking too much and should shut up.

   However, I appear to have the impression that I, um, take away from the enjoyment of these people watching TV.  This is not a confirmed opinion, just a one that I had.  And as such, when I watch TV with them, I police myself. I talk less.  I jeer less.  I even get the impression that this is a welcome innovation when I make it occur.  But you know what, policing decreases the enjoyment for myself.  Or at least it is more work.  Not to mention I get bored.  It’s not like I have a book with me there, or like it wouldn’t be considered kind of weird and antisocial if I go to someone’s house to watch TV with them and then pick up a book during the show.

   So where does this leave me? Well it leaves me at home, where I can jeer at will, although I don’t jeer at the TV much at all when alone, doing something else as I watch the TV.  It is not that I dislike the company of these friends and I would love an evening of just watching TV with them but, is it fair to stay away to increase the watching experience of both of our parties?

   Or hell it is entirely possible that all my perceptions are wrong and I am a fool.  Either way.

   So I have not decided which of these things it is, or if it is indeed just one of them or both.  I stayed home, I watched the show, I enjoyed it.  during some of the commercials, I shared jeers with the person throwing the party through a chat and she even shared it with the crowd.   I dunno.   If I figure it out for sure I’ll let you know.

Of course, when I woke up this morning I had been called on not showing up for the party.  I don’t think I am going to explain all of this stuff to her. An excuse can be made up.  She has never made me feel that way anyway, I think her position is that the more comments made the better.