Ok it's the new year. everyone should be jumping up and down and crying out loud and cheering.  Everyone. NOW!!!

   i am in quite a weird mood. i went to a party at a friend's house.  I am home now. i don't think i was ready to leave the party, maybe, or maybe not.  that is something weird, every time i ever leave a party it seems like a good time to go.  it is almost always when a friend has said, 'are you ready to go?' and i always reply, 'sure ready whenever you are. '  And then when i get home i always feel like i should have stayed. that i wasn't finished with the party yet.

   one time i should just stay a little longer, a little past that point.

   anyways today and for the last few i have been feeling a little lost.  a little cut loose.  i don't know what it means really. i just don't feel all here. i am having trouble feeling close to the people i should be feeling close to...i don't know what it is.  i think part of it might be that i am not feeling very loved but i can't actually pin this down to anyone doing anything that would make me feel that way.

   take for instance a couple of nights ago, i was making a dinner for some friends. i enjoy going to a lot of trouble and coming up with a big complex meal.  this one was a little special too because it was in lieu of buying presents for some people. i would give them a nice meal. 

(perhaps as an aside i shall give you a menu)

Appetizers
     spanokopita
     lambkopita
     fresh tzatziki
     toasted pita (the only thing not made from scratch) 

Zoupa
     Avgolemano

Entrees
     Chicken/Beef/Mushroom Souvlaki
     Greek Potatoes dripping in butter
     Greek Salad

Dessert
     Baklava
     Vanilla Ice Cream with a light honey syrup over it.

Drinks
     Much red wine.
     Ouzo (ok, it went with the theme but ick)

(and by aside i meant a whole bunch of text in the middle of my entry)

   So anyways the feelings i get as i toil on these things are manifold. i really do love cooking and the process and the challenge itself are a huge draw in and of themselves.  but there is also the warm fuzzy feelings that accompany making something for your friends. providing for them flavours and joy. There is also the thrill of getting compliments of something you have done well.

   Well during this meal, there was certainly a challenge, some stuff turned out slightly differently than i was expecting but everything turned out pretty well in the end.  And my friends showed up (for the most part, we won't talk about the cancellers) and they were quite flattering about the food.  They also provided a number of compliments. But it didn't seem to do the trick.  There was love and whatever floating around and i wasn't able to absorb it.
   It was like it didn't matter to me.  Or like i was alone.  I don't know, they just seemed like people.  It is so hard to even describe it.  I've felt like this for a couple of weeks.  I don't know why. It is affecting my life a little i think as well.  I seem mighty apathetic to a lot of things.  Work, writing, i haven't been able to really write for a while, people, lots of things.  I don't know what it is. I guess i will play with it some more and see if i can figure it out.  I'll probably let you know.  (Although you might have noticed by the only 2 entries in dec).

   Although, the last time i felt this level of apathy about life i changed everything in a very major way.

        `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'

On a connected note or maybe it isn't really all that connected.  Andrea wrote this in her journal recently.

"Well, if I’m going to start chronologically according to this journal, I guess the first person I have to thank is The Boy. The Ex-Boy, that is. And I’m not even being facetious. It takes a lot of chutzpa to be able to say that you don’t love someone and it would be better for both of you to leave off. At the time, I can’t say I thought much of the decision, but that decision certainly taught me a lot about surviving (my first heartbreak), and it allowed other people to come into my life. So thank you for letting me go."

   She also recently admitted that she is now engaged to the boy she met after me and quite happy.  So first i would like to say that this was an incredibly sweet thing to say on her part.  It is not that i ever needed to hear it said, because i was always pretty sure that i had done the right thing, if in the wrong way maybe.  But it is very nice to have heard this.  Very nice to know that in her eyes i am not a horrible villain. 
   I am very glad that Andrea is happy, it is something she deserves.   I have never met a more devoted, giving caring person than her.  I hope things remain that way for her, i really do.

     `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`

Who knows what the new year will hold for me.  I hope you know what you want it to hold for you and that you get it. Happy New Years!