It's 12:23 and that means that technically the day of the Valentine is over.  I had meant to write a Valentine entry tonight but then i got busy doing some things and it just never became a priority.  (and if you ask the people who have been in my apartment of late, washing the kitchen floor was really a priority more important than all others.)

   I guess though, somewhere in there i forgot why i wanted to write an entry tonight.  Or rather i don't think that i really knew why i wanted to.  So it wasn't until 12:23 this morning, just as i closed my book that i had just finished, that i realized that there actually was a good reason that i wanted to have this entry. 
   For once i thought, 'you know it's February 14th (sure, i hadn't let my mind date transition yet, leave me alone), i wonder where i will be a year from now.  I wonder if a year from now i will wonder where i was last year.  You know, i should go and write a journal entry saying where i am, romantically, feeling-wise and etc so that in a year i have something i can look back upon.'
   I say for once because i generally don't really think of my journal entries as entries in my own personal journal such that i can go back later in my life and look at them if i so desire.  Instead i guess i look on them as entries in your journal about me.  Is there a difference there?  To me there is i guess.  I wonder why it is like that...but...i won't discuss that tonight. I should really be asleep right now.

   So where am i right now?  In terms of my love life and my feelings and all such things?  The status as it were, and where do i want to go?

   Ok, i am single.  I am really quite single.  I have not had a date in quite a while.  I have not had a girlfriend of any nature since Andrea and if i think about my counting correctly within the next couple weeks we are hitting the anniversary of our break-up.   Before Christmas i was experimenting with a local online personals site and i don't think there is anything holding me back from pursuing that further.  You know other than the fact that i am not moving quickly on it.
   My year has not been dead of all life.  There have been excursions and recursions.  There have been attempts (failed for the most part) and even now today i feel glimmerings of, well, something,  that we don't need to talk about here.  At least until it is something more than it is.

   Where am i at?  I...well in short, i want to be in love.  No, not just in love, i want to be IN LOVE.  I want to have my world, my mind, my heart swirling through the ether on a loose and friendly tether.  I not only want there to be someone for me to hold when, well, always, at the end of every day but i want someone out there to be craving to be held by me.
   I don't know if this means that i want to meet someone, fall in love, make babies and spend our lives together. i haven't thought that far in advance and frankly i am not going to until i am with someone.  i don't want plans to cloud something special. i want the something special to happen and to just, be.  to exist on its own to have its own wings so that it can evolve and become what it needs to be to soar.  and then i, or rather we can worry about what it means.

  I guess this means i have to meet someone.  Do you think that maybe this means i have to start dating?  Do you think that Andrey Tautou is available?  Does anyone have your number?  No strike that, i'd likely fail on the phone, how about an email address?
   Perhaps it means that my practically indomitable patience to just let it happen because it will happen when it is ready to, just isn't enough for me anymore.  I don't know, i am not sure.  Something will happen. I will not sit here next year, bleary eyed and needing more sleep before the morning wondering what will happen with me.  I just won't.  Ok?

   Ok, to bed.
oh, if anyone was wondering...my valentine's day was nice. i worked, i came home, spent a nice evening alone, made myself dinner.  wasn't depressed, down or unhappy in anyway.  Maybe some day valentine's will actually have some meaning or illicit some feeling for me. but when i am alone, it is just another day.

night all.