Ok, I'm back.
I guess I wasn't really gone if you are going to look at it that way but I also don't really think that I was all here either. \

This past weekend was kind of an experience for me.  It is basically as if I stopped living for two days.
I mean, I talked to some people a little but for the most part I avoided contact.  I barely left the apartment this weekend.  I watched a number of movies on TV.  Most of them bad, or at least really quite old.
I slept a little more than normal but by that I just think that I got 8 hours sleep on two different nights in a row.
I don't even know at this point if I was depressed because I don't think of myself as being sad but I sure was out of any desire to do anything whatsoever.

So, I presume that you want an explanation of what has happened.
Well, I don't know how much I want to write about this but maybe it is a little cathartic to write about such things.
Or so I am sure someone would tell me if I asked.

So....about 3 years ago I made a friend.
She was a fun, somewhat abrasive, funny, smart, witty amusing person. The fact that she is also very attractive certainly didn't count against her either.

She and I meshed on a number of levels.  Our senses of humours complimented each other in many ways and in a lot of ways we were the same type of person.

Both of us are rather closed emotionally and don't need to express anything to get along.  To excel in a relationship actually.

Also she really enjoys going out to movies, it's how our relationship started as a matter of fact. She had just moved to Vancouver and was looking for a regular partner to go with to movies.

So we instituted a regular non-date, for the past three years, with about a 10 percent miss rate we have gone a movie every single Wednesday.  On occasion someone else would come with us, but most often it would be just the two of us.

Over time she had become one of my best friends.

Things with this friend were not always easy. 
At first there was a lot of wondering on my part if I wanted something more from this friend than friendship. Meshing on all those levels and considering her as attractive as I do, how could I do anything but wonder about such things. 

But right from the very start I realized one important thing, she wasn't interested in romance with me in any way.  I, being the resilient, adaptive sort that I am, accepted this for what it was, the simple truth and pursued only a friendship.  Over time I began to realize that her instincts were absolutely correct and no matter how well we meshed as friends or any level of attraction, there were just too many other things about us that would not work as a couple and I lost that sort of interest.  Going through this process only managed to strengthen our relationship on my end and we became even closer.

   then there were the problems associate with being as closed as we were. at the same time as i was going through a number of changes in my own self, changes that put me in much better touch with my feelings and emotions.  well these were certainly not a part of our relationship, such things would scare most of my friends let alone her.  i think it would have scared her most of all.  this in and of itself was ok, i had been the unemotional me for 15 years, it wasn't a hardship to remain that person with my friends, or most importantly this friend. 
   but something about becoming more emotional did something to me, it made me need reassurance of my friends' liking me more and more.  It's not that...well, let's just say that it began to matter what people i cared about thought about me.  before, it just didn't seem to matter as much.  If someone i liked turned out to not like me, how could that possibly bother me one way or the other? but now, as i realized i was becoming close to this person, it became important to me that i knew that she felt some sort of closeness to me.
   i guess this is the way with most people, to be open and close without being too exposed you have to know that it is returned to some extent.  a matter of trust i guess.  well, this friend is particularly set up horribly for this.  everything with this person is set up to be repartee, witticisms, sarcasm, or cynicism. don't get me wrong, all things that i treasure in her still. but i found myself foundering from time to time...wondering if she liked me.  i knew she liked me enough to go to a movie with but was she feeling the same connections that i was?
   after going through some trials of self doubt now and again i began to recognize the little signals that were important in this type of relationship. little things that i would have recognized by instinct back when things weren't clouded by emotion (and trust me, emotion makes it impossible to see these things easily).  i realized that i had to walk the tight rope and experience both sides of the equation.  soon i was confident in the fact there was a connection and i didn't need anything concrete to declare it to exist.

   as time went on we became closer.  our weekly non-date became more than just that. it's where we shared our lives, exchanged stories, informed what was happening with each other.  there was just meaning that came through in these conversations that carried with it that which was important. she dated, gained important men in her life, lost them.  i was one of her primary sources of comfort when bad things happened.
  in effect, we became close friends.  she grew in my thoughts to the point that she was one of my favourite people in the world.  our time together became an integral part in my life.

   so pretend for a second that it's 4 months ago.  she has met a new boy. this new boy rapidly gained her attention to the point of falling in love.  Big 'L' love.  There were things about him that i didn't find all that good, per se, but she was truly gone over him and that seemed good enough for me.  One of the things that was problematic though, was that he was very jealous of me. 
   this stymied me. threw me. stumped me. confused me.  how could i ever be a threat.  but my going to a movie with her was a threat.  somehow, this would become for us, love. in his mind a woman and a man could not be friends.  she and i laughed at this and i gave it very little further thought. their relationship continued to grow and hers and mine stayed the way we liked it.  i was rather saddened by the fact that he decided to move to Calgary and he asked her to move with him.  the fact that after 3 months she was agreeing told me how much she cared about him.  i guess you could say i was sad that she was leaving but happy that she had found such a good reason.  and i got a slight reprieve, even though he was leaving this month, she wasn't going until october. 
   i would at least get some time with her before she moved away.  at this point i wasn't sure what would happen to our relationship because i don't think that we could maintain our relationship very well long distance.  firstly she isn't one, i don't think to maintain such over a distance but also you know...without the personal queues letting me know what is going on...we just wouldn't share the bond.  i was saddened by this a little but, you know, life goes on.  7 months...better than a kick in the teeth.

   let's move fwd a few steps once again. it's last week. for some reason we have managed to go 4 weeks without seen a movie together, or speaking, or doing anything. part of it was my fault as i had traveled but the rest of it was convenient appointments that she kept having. let's just say i knew something was up.  and then last week i get an email. a rather cryptic email.  something was happening to our standing non-date.  but she would have to tell me face to face. we couldn't do a movie this week but we could do dinner on a different day.  after some byplay about it being ominous we set a time.
   the day of the dinner arrives and i must say i was apprehensive.  i had come up with a number of reasons that she had to talk to me. some good, some bad.  the most prevalent was that she was cancelling our date because of her boy telling her to. this made no sense to me because she would never do such a thing.  our friendship meant too much and there is no value in a relationship with a boy that would have such limitations on your relationship.  the most logical was that she had set up some sort of reoccurring activity, like a gym program or some such that would take up her Wednesday evenings.
   we talked of other things for a while...falling easily into our old form. relating the stories and events that we had been saving up for each other through the week.  by the time we had got to the restaurant and ordered our food i couldn't wait any longer. i had to ask.
   at first the wave of relief was palpable.  it turned out that she had formed a reoccurring engagement that would continue indefinitely and the only time she could do it was wednesday.  and then i asked the question that i somehow knew the answer to.  would we be rescheduling our non-date?
   her answer was like a sledge hammer to the centre of my forehead.  as it turns out, she could not reschedule.  rather than going away as a problem the jealousy thing with her boy had nothing but grown over the months. in fact the fact that she insisted upon having a male friend even though she knew how much it hurt him, was tearing him apart.  there had been any number of rather horrible fights centered around this very argument over the months and it had almost ended the relationship a number of times.  so, he knew that telling my friend that she could not see me was stupid.  but at the same time...it was causing strife and pain because he couldn't get it. platonic just didn't' work for him.
   so my friend made a choice. she chose to end...well to end our non-date.  when i asked what ground rules this meant for our relationship, she scoffed and indicated that there didn't need to be such.  but then i asked....there were...we can't spend time alone together anymore. at all. ever.  in a relationship where i need the time alone together to catch the queues and nuances so i know what is important or going on with her...i cant' have that anymore.

   so it's not that she wont' talk to me anymore, it's not that i can't ever see her, it's just that we can't talk or spend time in a way that means anything.  in essence...the friendship as it exists...is gone.  

   hmmm.  you know...i keep...not letting myself feel like this is important. i keep giving myself shit for feeling depressed over this.  i shouldn't, i really shouldn't, this isn't a trivial thing for me.  i can accept that she has chosen her, perhaps, 'one true love' over me. but how the hell can i accept that my good friend has chosen to not be my friend anymore?  how does that make sense?
  how can i prepare for this?  how would this work?
  i don't know.  what i do know is that i was depressed and that i did mourn.

   today, though, i feel a lot better about things.  i don't know why though. i just do.