Stuff On Top

Mar 2, 2001 - 8  p.m. 

I am a slug. Not totally.  But mostly.  I have not left my apartment yet today.  I have barely left the couch.  I am still sick somewhat.  Not horribly but today i decided to stay home from work, sort of bone up for the weekend, get better and such.  So that come monday i can go back to full days of work and not die afterwards.

   I am...at a quandary.  I don't know what i can talk about here and what i can not with respect to Andrea.  I mean the last thing i would want to do is to hurt her feelings willingly, but that kind of means, i think that i would not be able to write anything.  I mean i just don't know what is going to cause pain.  I really don't.  So, i think i have come to a conclusion, i am going to have to write what i want to, policing it as i see fit, and if any of it is hurtful or just randomly hurts well Andrea is going to have to be the one who deals with it. 
   i think that this will have room to hurt both her and me, but what can you do really?  And guarding what i say here too much is really going to harm the validity and honesty of this entire effort.  So i apologize in advance for anything that i say that hurts you Andrea. I realize that this is not an excuse, nor is it a good reason, but i find that i am going to go with it anyways. 

   So, i am moving on a little i think.  It has only been two weeks, but as has been explained to me, i was the one who made the decision so it is expected that it will be easier for me.  Am i over?  No, i am not over, i still miss her.  She was a very large part of my life, no matter how strange that sounds with her living so far away, for almost a year.  But i know, i still know, that it was the right thing to do. 
   I had the opportunity to go out on a date tonight.  You know, i don't think i am ready for that.  I ended up not going but far more of the decision was made  because i am still feeling quite ill than because it just doesn't feel right.  It doesn't though.  It doesn't feel very right at all.  But at the same time, when will it?  It has been a short time only.  It has only be 2 weeks.  However, i remember that there was a time when it wasn't easy for me to get a date at all.  Hmmm.  Things to ponder. When will i be ready? What will i be ready for?  How will it effect me?

   I am thinking that....it won't be that long and it won't be soon.  How's that for clarity of thought?  I think, i don't know, i don't think it will be that long.  Does it make me a bad person to be thinking that some casual, fun-type, sex included, relationships would be a good thing?   i think though that it will be a while before i am ready to consider love.  Heh. That said it will probably drop out of the sky tomorrow, know what i mean?

   I have a new article up.  I have linked to it over there, in the new writings section.  I loved writing that article.  I love writing most articles but that one, was a lot of fun. I have also put up a list of the other articles i have had published online, although i am pretty sure i am missing one, i just can't remember what.  This list is in the Other section.  In spite of the other projects that i am involved with, and the one i just started, a new one, i am writing more.  And i like that.