So the other day i was thinking that perhaps i have been the victim of a karmic slap to the 'nads.  Or, i guess if you use the word karmic you are less the victim and more the deserving recipient.  I don't think i am ready to, nor need to debate that particular facet of this right now.  The genital cuff still occurred. 

   As of yesterday it has been 4 weeks since i broke up with Andrea.  I won't lie, i don't think very much about it anymore. I am not very sad at most random times anymore.  She is often on my mind, but, slowly moving towards the notion of being a memory and less as a source of unbearable sadness (more on this below).  I am unsure how much of this is my being an uncaring bastard incapable of love and how much of it has been the fact that i have just been incredibly preoccupied. 
   
   And this, brings us back to my Karmic slap comment.  Two days after i broke up with Andrea i caught my chest cold that may or may not have resulted in my getting a thing called, 'trauma induced asthma' (it still has not be diagnosed for sure).  Earlier this week i was positively energized by the fact that i had the ability to go work and be filled with energy and verve.  I didn't have to punctuated my humour with a sickly smile, i could use a hearty guffaw where necessary.  It is true i still couldn't push too hard, couldn't do the stairs and etc because i would still lose oxygen.  And at the end of the day i would suddenly be taken with coughing fits and became very weary.  But in spite of this, i was getting better, i was feeling better, things were good. 
   I thought too soon.  On Tuesday i felt the onset of a head cold.  All of a sudden my sinuses were full, my head pounding and all of me miserable.  Not quite miserable enough to warrant my justifying anymore time off work either, so i kept going.  Sniffling, sneezing and coughing my way through my work day.  Eliciting more fear of contagion from my coworkers than sympathy.

   If this hasn't been enough, during this time work has gone absolutely insane.  A project has just reached terminal velocity and terminal illness at the same time.  The project lead left just as i was coming into my first illness and i have been attempting, while i am there, to work both my and her job.  At the same time as just about everything, specifically where the customers are concerned, started going wrong.  

  Karma.   I hurt Andrea; therefore the universe is coming after me.  Or it is just life one of the two.  The fact that i am going through a few difficulties arising basically at the same time as the break up is interesting.  The irony of this timing realization hit me high in the centre of my cerebral cortex when it washed over me.  This is the best place to be hit with such things and it leaves me happy and amused.  Better than literally in the 'nads anyway.  Or maybe, somehow i am fabricating them myself in some sort of misguided attempt to avoid the depression that might have been a result of this break up.  Who knows.  I refuse to ask Buddha.

   On a side and closely related note.  As i above stated, i am not living in the flux of emotions but they are still there.  I wanted to relate one specific instance.  A few days ago, Tuesday i think, i was in that high energy state of early in the day, feeling good, getting things done, knocking crisis after crisis out of the air and treading on them wilfully, when i got a voicemail on my cell phone. I don't know if this is similar to all cell's but with mine, every 3 weeks it forces you to review any messages that you had marked save to see if you still want them, before you can check your current messages.  On this occasion, the first one i had to review was a message from Andrea.  One that she left the morning before we broke up.  
   As i listened to her emotion filled voice, i caught myself filling with an implacable sadness. I said to myself, in my head, 'you don't need to listen to this, you don't' need to make yourself sad, just skip it, delete it, move on.'  I couldn't.  I had to listen to the whole thing.  I was still filling with deeper and deeper sadness, and i remember saying to myself twice more before it was over that i didn't need to listen.  But i did.  When it finished, i felt like i had been hit by a bus, the wind knocked from my sails.  I sat glum and stunned.  I suppose it is either a testament to my dedication to the job, or to the inherent shallowness of my nature, that about 15 very unproductive minutes later, a crisis big enough to expunge my mind came along.  All that remained later, is the memory of the sorrow.  But, Andrea is still in here, that is true. 

   All this said, my preoccupations listed, soon i am going to be much better.  Hell this week, i have had a varied social life in spite of my stupid illness.   When this happens, i am going to have to hit über-productive mode.  I HAVE to.  I am so behind. Sigh.

   And now i am late for a St. Patrick's day thing.  See you soon.