so, i was sitting around tonight, online late in the evening and thinking i could do a normal update but i'd have to download a whole bunch of stuff from my site, fiddle a number of things and etc.

so i decided not to do any of that.

instead i am going to just send it out to my update list.

yay for you lucky smart bunch.

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So you know what's kind of weird?  My family.  Ok, that's not what i was going to say but it fits.  I am at home, home, home this weekend.  (hmmm, i was about to say, i wonder when i will stop calling this home but you know, i call a number of places home so i don't think it really matters.  i used to get ribbed a about that though, the interchangability of where i would call home. maybe i am just a home slut)

   The weekend has been fine in general.  My brother, sister in law and little niece are here from calgary. My niece is 18 months old and has more reason to exist than just cuteness. she is developing a personality. this seems to be a good thing to me. My sister in law is just realizing that all that stuff my mom tells her about my being really good with children isn't a load of bunk. she has the impression that i don't like my niece. And, this might be true. I am not super fond of children, but they like me a lot. This might be because in spite of my not being super fond of them i pay them a lot of attention. i play with them, i talk to them, i tease them. I am known for this. what she saw was my utter lack of need to play with the baby when i was around it (if any of you recall the entry about my avoiding paying attention to the kitten when people were around it is kind of the same thing). \ Well this weekend, i am seeing her for the first time, in, well, a while. She is walking and talking a bit and most of all smile. i can make her smile at the drop of a lip. and her smile is utterly adorable. so i do it often. last night was interesting though. cause i would make her smile and then i would think, 'she likes me.' then i might touch her. you know, reach out with one finger and just, touch, her. that would make her cry. look at her funny, smile. touch cry. any sort of touch including picking up or whatever would make her cry. today, i was playing with her. we were playing the give game. she would give me balls. i would give them back. we would both say thank you a lot. i would juggle them when she managed to give me 3. it was a great game. after the game, i could touch her and and pick her up. no crying. however, as soon as someone she liked walked by, her arms were out in the standard, 'take me away from this goon' pose. i am amused.

The land of the family has been, well, interesting. Things were going pretty good until this evening when some rather irrational screaming and cursing started. And altercation ensued and shouts, tears, stomps and a couple of extremely uncomfortable houseguest were the result. although i appear to be at the centre of the cause of it all though, i didn't really participate. i remained calm. didn't lose my composure. didn't even want to. i was just in the middle of this storm that was passing around me. this was really interesting to me. brother and sister-in-law got wigged out and left the room.

so i am happy that i have the capability to overlook when i need to. the question remains though, is this because i am moving forward or regressing? recall the questions i have been looking at, with feeling more, and embracing more and how it fucked me up last time. what if i am not feeling shitty this time because i am not feeling as much?

bah. too much to care about right now.

i am going to go to bed i think.

have a pleasant evening.

i will have a pleasant weekend.

i promise.

spadoink!