so this morning about an hour ago i was overtaken with a need to doodle.
and not just doodle but to doodle a certain pattern.  i always have a piece of paper in front of my on my desk to jot down car

   i had the completion of the image and the way i wanted it to be in my head.
   all of it. it was like i had a vision.  i doodled a little bit more an then all of a sudden i was overcome with a  need. i stopped working. i turned around turned on my desk lamp and started to work on the doodle in earnest. i drew a larger version, it was just a short leap from being right, so i went and got some pristine paper instead of the copy paper and started again. as i was nearing completion of colouring in all the little circles my project leader came over and asked me what i was doing. (you know, not working.) my response was an honest one.
   i was colouring. she responded to this with a querying, 'what?' obviously a little confused by the answer. i responded same. she said why, i responded, 'cause i have a need' this resulted in much the same response that i get when i am doing something odd and almost beyond explanation. the, 'oh, ok, i am not ready to understand, on with why i am here to ask you a question.'

   so i answered her question. and then after she left, i finished colouring it in.

   i am amazed by it.

   i love it.

   i am enthralled by it.

   it is perfection to the image in my head. the image, isn't so much just a visual image but rather a conceptual image. i love it. i think that my fascination with it is less that it is so cool (but don't get me wrong, to my brain it is a very cool picture. if you look at it and sort of lose focus of your eyes and bring it all to bear all at once it just rocks) but rather that i have managed to match my vision. this ties to some of the issues i have with writing for other people, or for the public. the idea that anything i do that doesn't match the vision, the story as my head wants to tell it, with the feeling and vision that i have for it, exactly is crap. this is untrue and i am learning to understand inside that it is not true. that when i do match the vision that it will be like an epiphany and to me it will be a masterpiece. not every piece is a masterpiece but that doesn't mean that some pieces aren't worthy, are good in and of themselves. 

   this experience, right now, right today, indicates to me the level of excitement i will feel if i ever hit that bang on rightness of vision matching in my writing. a reason to continue. perhaps a better reason to share writings with a larger audience.

   So here it is

And then a little later in the day, upon sending the above text to my friend shar she asked me to psychoanalyze the picture.  So i gave it a go....

i dunno how.

i suppose i could go into the whole life's like an onion thing. with layer upon layer of differences and how when you are moving through your life you go through stages but as you go through each stage you have definite contact into the stage before. and that you grow these through time. seeing a little kernel of who you are, really are at the beginning and how everything is built on that in a series of shells. (i just looked at your copy and you really can't see this. it is much more separated, interwoven and concentric than it appears in that image).

or i could talk about how my life and the way people interact in it are merely a series of shells and circles and how you can move from level to level as you get to know me better until in the end you can get to the edge of the kernel but you can never really get in. 

now as to why i had to draw this today. um.....my first response is boredom

but it isn't the accurate one.   it is the amusing one. i guess you could say that i am going through some sort of cycle and just coming around the starting of the new and the next and needed some sort of closure. of course this doesn't really feel right either. 

or something like that.

   And then nasty things started happening my head.  A couple of people looked at the picture and it didn't really mean anything to them.  So i changed my hat and tried to look at with the perspective of a person who didn't do it or didn't share my vision.  And i realized that it wasn't anything special.  I could go back and forth from being enthralled to thinking, 'why did i do this again?'  

I sort of pined for the feeling i had when i first did it. The feeling of creation that i was proud of and loved.  Then i began to realize that it was a load of crap because in the end, i am the only one who has to love it.  I would like for others to like it but i am the one who has to love. 

   Whoosh.  What a roller coaster.  And i am supposed to go through this with a book i write and deal?

   And then something really cool happened.  I came home and i scanned it and fell in love with it again.  Not to mention when i inverted it by accident and fell in love with this image all over again.  It isn't the same thing, it isn't the pride of creating my vision, it's delight in beauty. 

That's enough for today.  G'night.