So this doesn't happen to me very often at all.  Almost never in fact. Today i hit an actually full on depression.  I am not sure exactly what happened to cause it but i do know it wasn't entirely irrational.  I guess the reasons aren't all that important but the fact that i was in it was. 

   I was kind of quiet all day, unassuming not doing too much and then something set me off.  Just a little thing really didn't mean much but it set me off.  So i was sitting at my computer i was ready to do work.  Work was going to get done.  And then the trigger was set and wave after wave of sadness passed over me. 
   I didn't understand it but it was certainly there, it was flowing through every thought i had.  It was incredibly intense.  I decided that work would have to go on hold for a while and i would watch TV for a bit to cheer me up, or at least to help me to forget.  So i turn on my TV and my cable is out.  How's that good?
   Music, music will help.  So i turn on the stereo and try to get the CD player to work.  Only i am trying with my TV remote and the best i can do is get the radio on.  But that is ok because i realize that i am listening to Vinyl Cafe, a program on CBC Radio that i am really quite fond of.  I decide that i am going to go and lie on my couch and listen to the radio while i read.  

   And i do this, i lie on my couch.  I start to read and then realize that book isn't quite good enough to overcome the waves of sadness.  So i put it down and just listen.  I start to get shivers that are flowing with the waves.  And then i start to drift into a reverie of some sort.  My mind pursuing thought after thought that don't seem to interrelate to too much. For the next hour i do this, consumed by the emotions and the thoughts until shortly after cross country check up started. 
   It had the normal effect. I fell asleep.  Sort of a waking sleep, i would drift in and out for the next couple of hours until at 4:30 when i would get up off the couch, feeling a lot better.  There is somewhere, in the back of my head depression still but i feel a lot better.

   So as i mentioned yesterday while i don't like the pissy mood, i do enjoy, almost immeasurably the feeling of a deep depression.  Yes i might be twisted but i chalk this up to how seldom i feel it.  I find that i can watch myself amazed as i feel a wave of sadness flow over me and then the wave of euphoria i feel at having such intense emotions. 

   Ok. i am cracked. 
   I still like me.

   But tell me this doesn't fit my goal of embracing emotions?

 On an interesting note, i find that i had a lot more trouble writing about this than any other thing i have written about yet in my journal.  Not that i would tear up and couldn't write or anything like that.  Rather i seemed to have a high amount of shame at relating it.  I know that i should feel such but it is there.  
   Coupled with these feelings of shame are ones of not wanting to relate this to my friends.  Not because i don't want them to know that i have feelings, or that i get depressed but because i don't want to push onto them any feelings that i might be having, that i don't want to give them any collateral or sympathy feelings.  For a very reduced subset i don't want them to feel any guilt because they haven't done anything wrong. 

   In the end, it was the spirit of embracing the feelings that had me write this.  Hmmm, i find the entire situation of a huge amount of interest.  

   Ah well.  Supper's here.  Goodbye.