I don't' really get it.  All of a sudden i am in a really pissy mood.  Every thought that comes out of my mind is a negative one.  Not negative ones against other people but more ones that say i need to be alone.  And every time i think about someone i appear to be ready to say something pissy to them. 

   I think i know what triggered it, i guess.  I don't know why it triggered it or why it has me in a pissy mood but it appears to be the cause.  It was just something a friend said.  Something really innocuous that means nothing.  There was nothing negative in it, nothing insulting, it has just left me in this mood. 

   I am currently late for going to meet my friends.   Well that's not true, if i could teleport and get there in the next 4 minutes i would be right on time.  However, given it is a minimum 20 minute walk i don't think i am going to make it on time.  Especially as i appear to be writing this instead of moving.  This is also very unusual for me, i am always quite prompt, it is not like me to not show up on time.  I am not even calling at this point, because i don't know what i would say.  I mean, i could certainly just lie and say, 'i am running behind, i will be there in a little bit,' but i also seem adverse to lying right now.  (more about this below)   I am not sure what is keeping me away, maybe something about spending time with people for the next little while seems  bad to me.  Very bad.  
   Not bad because i don't want to be with people, i don't think i have a problem with being with people.  But i seem to know that if i am with people right now that all the comments out of my mouth will be inspired by this mood and whether they will sound pissy to the others around me (and the odds are better than not that it will be).  I have experienced this a little more than i would like in the recent past.  I am saying things that apparently people can't really tell are pissy.  But i know that they are.  I guess it is intent behind them, i am the only one who can know when my mocking is intended in fun or if it is the result of a nasty mood. 

    I guess it was about two hours ago that it set in.   All of a sudden i could feel this mood of piss sink in around me.  I didn't really know what it meant or where it was coming from but i could feel it coming.   Part of my new spirit of experiencing emotions is the notion that i am not going to avoid emotions, that i am going to embrace them and feel them.  For most emotions this seems to be a good thing for me.  But this pissy mood i just have a whole lot more trouble dealing with.  It is counter to logic and yet not all the way inside of irrationality.  I am a very logical person, this might be part of the problem through time for my embracing emotions.  It seems though, that i am willing to admit that there are lows and depressions out there and that they should be a part of my being. 
   So when they happen i open myself to them and try to experience them fully. I allow that there is irrationality at work and that it is ok.  I do this.  But with pissy, i can't do that, i can't just accept that i am going to allow my mood to effect other people like that.  it just seems wrong.   I guess when i am depressed anyone who is effected by it, for the most part, is doing it of their own free will because they choose to be aware that it is going on and effected by it.  But pissy is more attacking, even if they are just there as an innocent bystander they might get hit.

   So i don't like this.  I don't like being invasive with negativity into peoples lives.  So rather than embracing the mood of pissy, for the most part i try to ignore it, sort of policing its effects and harnessing my mouth when i need to.  Today, when i felt it descending, i did ignore it.  I returned to working on some jewellery.  Now working on jewellery is something that almost invariably puts me in a good mood, that lifts my spirits and takes any negativity away.  Today, i wasn't sure what it was doing, i couldn't really feel good cheer imbuing my spirit but i also couldn't feel any negatives.  This was a good thing.  
   Then i stepped into the shower, a little late for meeting my friends, but not too late to still make it if i rushed.  All of sudden, in the shower, from every side i was hit with an onslaught of the negativity and pissyness.  I don't know where it had come from or why it was here but here it was.  Every time i turned around there was some new irritating thought or desire to say something.  I would fight it, i would call myself stupid because there was no point in thinking that way.  No one had done anything to indicate i should be angry or hurt and yet i still was.  And it would go away.  And then it would, when i relaxed my guard, boom, return.  

   The only think i could think of was the safety of not leaving the house, of not risking the ire of my head.  And then i would remember that my friends would be waiting.  And it was not only meeting them it was that we were then going to a party.  The party in honour of another friends recent graduation.  And i was to be the designated driver.
   So...i must go.  And i likely should.  But oooooh did i not want to.  But i also will not, will not let this get the better of me.  

Ig. 

   After i stepped out of the shower i looked at the clock.  Instead of being in there 5 minutes i had been in there 22 minutes.  So much for hurrying to make it on time.  And then my next task gave me trouble.  I was to set up the timer to tape the iron chef NY competition.  But my cable box wouldn't take any key presses, either from remotes or on the box.  So i had to trouble-shoot that, and i only had 9 minutes to make it work.  5 minutes later i had the problem fixed and i realized that i was in better cheer.  I don't know why.  I just was.  I guess fully removing my mind from the matter is good for it.  

i guess. 

or maybe something different entirely. 

so at this point i had no choice but to be late, so i decided that i really needed to write about this.  In fact, i NEEDED to write about this.  a little strange perhaps.  And as i write it, i realize that it hasn't been cathartic and it hasn't been a cure but what it has done is had me thinking about the feelings for 15 minutes now and not feeling them.  Strange, i know, i am thinking all about the feelings but they aren't really there while i am thinking about them.  

Ah well, i need to get dressed and get on the way.  
i shall talk to you later.